This Week's Dirtiest Headline...

TONY BLAIR PULLS OUT

Shh…I’m Choking

If you plan on having lunch at the Warwick Elementary School in Rhode Island you better plan on not making a sound. After three separate choking incidents, the school has issued a no-talking policy during lunch.

The principal of the school, whose name is not important, said that during lunch time the staff couldn't hear students choking over all the noise. So now, as a consequence, the students have to eat lunch in complete silence, ala communism.

Our team of experts at the Scream Jerk Health Institute has come up with some ideas on how to protect our school children from the deadliest weapon of all…food.

Tip #1 – HAVE SOME ONE ELSE CHEW THEIR FOOD. Whether it's a parent or guardian at home, or a fellow classmate in school, having someone else chew the food is a great way to protect them from themselves. Chewing is really time-consuming anyway. So, take that Thermos off the shelf and pour in that pre-masticated food and sleep easy.

Tip #2 – TWO WORDS: LIQUID DIET. Based on the reports surfacing these days about childhood obesity, your kid is probably too fat anyway. And unless he can't drink either and might drown, this should be the best solution for choke-prone children.

TIP #3 – JUST DON'T EAT. There's no better time than the present to develop an eating disorder.

What exactly is it that the cafeteria staff "can't hear?" Isn't a choking victim pretty much rendered speechless? What are these kids eating that makes them keel over so often? Perhaps the parents of these children should conduct a refresher course on chewing your fucking food. The next thing you know our cafeterias are only going to serve pureed meats and vegetables. They already dropped peanut butter from the menu because 12 kids are allergic. But that subject is for another day. – SJ

MY DESERT CAMO SWEATER IS ON FIRE

As of today, January 25, 2007, over 3000 American troops have died in Iraq. While the motives for the war remain in question and the tactical plans that have been utilized have been inadequate at best, one thing remains absolutely certain: We can not ask our military to go to war on our nation's behalf and put themselves in harms way and not provide them with the tools necessary to accomplish the mission (whatever that is) and do it swiftly and safely.

So with every hour that passes and for every dead soldier that comes home in a box the pressure to equip our troops with the most advanced fighting tools because ever greater.

Recently, the United States military introduced there latest weapon - a ray gun. Now, before you put on your rubber Spock ears or do a bad Shatner impression, take the look at the picture to the left. No, you don't get 600 channels of DirecTV with that Hummer. But with this giant apparatus you could give someone the impression that they were hot - and not hot as in "Hey baby, you're smokin'". But hot like "Your fuckin' hair is on fire, honey."

This new ray gun, which I will refer to as Ray, shoots an electromagnetic beam at the target (i.e. an Iraqi) and gives them the feeling that they're going to catch fire. The weapon is supposedly "harmless" and creates the sensation of heat on the body reaching 130 degrees. So, for the last five years, the best the US military could come up with to protect our troops and win the war on terror is to make the enemy feel like they're in Arizona in August.

How about a weapon that actually sets the enemy on fire, instead of just making them feel that way? It makes me wonder what other weapons the military will be introducing on the battlefield. How about a bomb that emits a gas that fills the enemy with resentment towards their parents? Or a mission that explodes on impact and releases live recordings from the last Madonna tour?

Our boys need weapons that kill, damn it!

THIS IS THE LONGEST TITLE OF ANY BLOG CURRENTLY POSTED ON THE WORLD WIDE WEB CONTAINING THE LEAST AMOUNT OF INFORMATIVE AND/OR HUMOROUS CONTENT

If you're a lesbian and good cook, does that mean you don't eat out?

Dear Boss, PlayStation Has Arrived

Dear Boss,

I'm sorry I won't be coming into work this week. You see, PlayStation 3 comes out at the end of the week and me and some friends of mine are going to camp out in front of Wal-Mart for the next five days in hopes of getting one or three.

I don't have much in my life. But I like to meet people. And the people you meet on the sidewalk entrance of Wal-Mart with a Hibachi and 24-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon are the kind of people I like to be around.

Please consider this my vacation for the year. I know, I won't be able to take time off around Christmas to spend with my family but that's okay. See, I found some pigeon on the internet to pay about 800% more for this PlayStation 3 than I will pay. You're right, he probably is retarded.

Anyway, can you please hold my job for me?

Sincerely,

Jay

WHY MOST OF AMERICA WILL BE WATCHING THE OJ SIMPSON INTERVIEW

At the end of November, O.J. Simpson will appear in a televised special on FOX entitled "If I Did It, Here's How It Happened." It is a little known fact that Scream Jerk landed this blockbuster sit-down several years ago but was unable to conduct the interview as scheduled because of a swollen feeling in my neck.

Why are we so upset that something like this is going to be televised? This is exactly the kind of programming the America people are asking for. If you think I'm wrong consider the following:

- America's pastime, baseball, continues to draw some of the worst television ratings for any sport. The only time baseball draws any audience, for example during the World Series, is when the New York Yankees are in it. Why? Because we like to HATE the Yankees. Hate mongers!!

- Does anyone remember the O.J. Simpson trial? Every minute of that legal circus was televised. The local newscasts would include sports, weather and the latest from the trial. We craved it. Why? Because we got to see a real life celebrity go down in flames. Flame mongers!!

- Honestly, if you had to choose between watching reruns of Full House or a supposed confession from O.J. Simpson, which would you choose? No offense, Dave Collier, but when you tanked it on Skating With The Stars, you ruined Full House for me! John Stamos mongers!!

The networks air this shit because we watch this shit. FOX is never going to air, say, a puppy being ripped apart by school children because the audience isn't quite there. But hearing O.J. almost admit to murder after already being acquitted? That is freakin' entertainment.

In fact, I have some suggestions of other TV specials that I believe Americans are craving:

1. Tonight on NBC, watch Katie Couric fall off the roof of her house while trying to successfully install a 40-foot inflatable Santa Claus.

2. Stayed tuned after Survivor for a CBS Exclusive - Nancy Pelosi Drowns: Why No One Cared To Save Her

3. Larry King gets a pedicure...while naked - 9:00 Eastern on CNN.

4. Donald Rumsfeld eats his own feces on C-SPAN Live.


Enjoy the show folks!

-

SAVE SOME FOR THE DOG, TENNIE!!

First, my comments on the 2006 elections are forthcoming. I need to digest the results and shit them out before providing valuable insight.

But this story is worth talking about. To get the full story click this link. To read the Scream Jerk version look down.

FIREFIGHTER SERVED DOG FOOD SETTLES SUIT
L.A. man claims meal given to him by colleagues was racial discrimination
The Associated Press
Updated: 7:41 a.m. PT Nov 9, 2006

LOS ANGELES - The city is paying $2.7 million to settle a lawsuit from a black firefighter who claims he suffered racial discrimination after co-workers served him spaghetti laced with dog food. Everyone knows black people would much rather have spaghetti with horse meat. Those insensitive smoke sucking co-firemen. The City Council approved the award Wednesday, 11-1. In his lawsuit, firefighter Tennie Pierce, aforementioned black firefighter, 51, said after he took a bite of the meal two years ago, he noticed other firefighters laughing. He demanded to know what was in the food after a second bite but nobody answered. Wait, he ate spaghetti laced with dog food and then took a second bite?? Pierce said he suffered retaliation for reporting the incident and verbal slurs (crotch-sniffer), insults (dog-food eater) and derogatory remarks, including taunting by firefighters “barking like dogs (and) asking him how dog food tasted,” the lawsuit said. David Wellman, a professor at the University of California, Santa Cruz hired by Pierce’s attorney, said the association of a black man and dog food “resonates with the deep historical roots of slavery and the corresponding dehumanization.” Again, I remind everyone that he took a second bite! “It’s not just silly stuff. It’s racially motivated,” he said. As part of the settlement, the two captains involved were given one month off without pay, and a firefighter was ordered off work for three days without pay. “I truly hope that my case will make a difference for African-Americans in the Los Angeles Fire Department,” Pierce said in a statement. Don't hold your breath Dr. King. And now for the REQUISITE SOCIAL COMMENTARY: Why did this become about race? Isn't this kind of frat-boy behavior almost expected in this kind of environment? Have we sterilized our surroundings so much that we are now justified in suing someone when we are the target of a prank? If so, Ashton Kutcher would servicing 20 to life right now. This is ANOTHER example of a lazy, opportunistic individual who saw the golden statue of the legal system winking at him and decided to roll the dice. Maybe you're embarassed because you ate Alpo. Maybe you're embarassed that you took a SECOND BITE. Having a harmless prank pulled on you doesn't justify $2.7 million dollars. This is not a racial issue. Think about what this means for the rest of society. Now, anytime a firefighter wants to kill some time, maybe lighten the mood of the department, he's going to remember this and think twice. You think that's a victory. I say bullshit. Give this guy $2.7 million worth of dogfood and make him eat it until he wants nothing else. Then he can go back to the fire house and not have to worry about what's in the spaghetti.

HOLLYWOOD REPORT

Skinny Bitch Wins Money!!

Actress Kate Hudson was awarded an undisclosed amount of money on Thursday in her libel suit against a British tabloid.

The National Enquirer of Britain printed an article in which it described the daughter of bubble-headed Goldie Hawn as "way too thin" and "skin and bones."

According to Slim's lawyer, the article caused her "deep distress and acute embarassment."

Hudson wasn't available for comment but her publicist said Kate was very pleased with the outcome and looks forward to returning to her normal life of eating half a Tic-Tac and throwing up.


I See Tree Trunks!

Actor Haley Joel Osment, best known for his performance in The Sixth Sense, was hospitalized after wrecking his car while returning home. He remains in stable condition.

Wait. Do you smell that? It's the curse of the child star.


"It's fun to stay at the L..A..P..D, it's fun to stay at the L..A..P..D..."

The original policeman for the Village People (whose name isn't important...and never really was) was arrested this week on drug charges. There is no word yet whether this run-in with the law will help or hurt his career.



Stuck Between A Rock and Two Soft Things

Congratulations to Pam Anderson and Kid Rock who have decided to tie the knot this summer.

For those interested in getting the happy couple a gift, they are registered at Dr. Arthur Schwartz' House of Plastic and Wal-Mart.

Illegals & You

I said last year that illegal immigration was going to turn into the new hot-button issue in American politics. Well, grab your chihuahuas and run for your lives Mr. and Mrs. Tax Payer.

Illegals have begun their no-holds-barred hijacking of American culture and language. Take, for example, the outrageousness of the new Spanish version of the Star-Spangled Banner. If you haven't heard this pinata song yet, click here.

What other country would allow it's immigrant population to corrupt it's culture? The United States government has been so soft on illegal immigration that the very people who are crossing the borders are calling all the shots. They are munipulating the politicians by bating them with their votes.

No party in American politics wants to take a postion either way on illegal immigration. Are you for open borders or against? Do you support amnesty or not? Do we kick the illegals out and start from scratch? You've come to the right place for answers.

Here is the Scream Jerk Solution:

1. CLOSE THE BORDERS entirely until we have a more controlled and organized immigration policy.

2. If you're hear now you are an American citizen. However, in order to make your citizenship last you must LEARN THE LANGUAGE (English), LEARN THE BASIC HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES, and SUPPORT THE ECONOMY (pay taxes).

3. Once we've legalized everyone then the door can be open again to those who want the opportunity to become citizens - the right way.

4. We also need to establish a A MORE PRODUCTIVE RELATIONSHIP WITH THE LEADERS OF MEXICO and do what we can to help build a more stable Mexican government. Wouldn't it be great if the citizens of Mexico could be proud of their homeland and might want to stick around for awhile? And besides, a strong Mexico with a thriving economy and strengthed military could only benefit us as their neighbors to the north.

BREAKING NEWS

HILLARY CLINTON LACKS FEMALE PARTS

This is the scoop of all scoops. Scream Jerk has learned from uncomfortably close sources that Hillary Clinton was born without "female parts." According to the source, Hillary is "built like a Barbie doll, and I'm not talking about tall and busty." Apparently, Clinton has what some would call a void in the area of her "special pieces."

Immediately this raises questions about how Hillary was able to give birth to Chelsea. According to medical experts consulted by Scream Jerk, Hillary could have given birth via "mouth, ass or ear." The experts said that most likely, Chelsea was delivered through a method know as RER, or rear-end removal. This is a rather painful process for doctors to witness and most likely that doctor has now made permanent residence in some mental health facility.

As far as how Bill Clinton could have impreganated Hillary, the doctors say that when you lack female parts the other orifices of the body can act as a recepticle for the baby batter. And we all know that Bill Clinton pretty much likes to stick it anywhere.

In a recent poll conducted by EverythingNeedsToBePolled.com, of those asked whether Hillary would still be a good president without female parts, 100% of those polled threw up violently on the pollster.

This day in 1876, Alexander Graham Bell successfully transmitted discernable speech through the telephone. Through his new invention, Bell summoned his assistant into another room by saying, "Mr. Watson, come here; I want you."


When Mr. Watson entered the other room he found Bell wearing assless chaps and slow dancing to a very early version of a Barry White song. Bell and Watson never spoke of the evening again. All of this and likely much more happened on this day, March 10, 1876.

GROUNDHOG: EXPOSED

Well, the GROUNDHOG came out yesterday...revealing to the world that he is gay.

Rumors have been floating around for several years that the little winter predictor was a little bit light. Finally, after years of inner thought the truth was finally set free.

"Yes, we have six more weeks of winter," he said through an interpreter. "But don't you people want to know what I do when I'm under ground the rest of the year? "

The gathered crowd collectively went silent with the next words that came from the furry critter's mouth. "I do my roommate. Earl. We have been living together longer than Elton John and that thing he shacks up with. We have been inspired by this year's best movie - Brokeback Mountain to reveal the truth about our relationship."

The groundhog then went on to say that he and Earl plan to move to San Francisco and start a dry-cleaning business (operated by humans, of course.)

He made no commitment to predicting the length of winter in the future saying the he and Earl want to start a family. "Maybe we could adopt a chipmunk or something. At this point the sky is the limit."

CHRIS PENN AND HIS DEAD FAT ASS

Actor Chris Penn was found dead in his apartment this past week and a recent autopsy proved "inconclusive." Penn, who was best known for his role as...um...when he played that guy...um...oh, fuck it. He was Sean Penn's brother.

During the course of the investigation into his death the police learned that Penn had what Richard Simmon's would classify as "poor eating habits." In one sitting he was known to polish off several milk shakes and plenty of beer while munching on as many as five steaks. The autopsy revealed nothing out of the ordinary except for an incredibly large ass.

No really, I know he was in some movie. Star Wars? Hoosiers? The Ten Commandments? Oh, whatever!

The Penn family is asking for privacy during these very difficult times. Donations can be made in Chris' name to the "Children Without A Sizzler Nearby" Foundation.

When Hollywood wants to make a statement, they really make a statement. Last night, the gay cowboy romance film "Brokeback Mountain" won four Golden Globes including best drama.

As a film critic it is my job to weed out the bad films and share with you the good films. However, I didn't really see this one so I'm going to wing it. Because I love to hear myself type.

Brokeback Mountain stars Heath Ledger and that guy from Jarhead. They are gay cowboys who travel the country committing sodomy on one another at several different locations, including a Motel 8 breakfast buffet spread.

The message in this film is quite clear - don't go camping with cowboys.

An now for the critique. The controversy surrounding this film has got to be better than anything about the film itself. Movie houses is Utah won't show it. Churches are up in arms. It begs the question, what would John Wayne think? Can you imagine John Wayne starring in such a film? "Take off your pants, partner, and grab your ankles."

Because of the critical acclaim the film has received other producers and directors are thinking about revisiting their best creations and adding a little twist. Here are some examples.


STAR WARS
In this new version of the George Lucas classic, Darth Vader not only reveals that he is Luke's father but he also breaks the news that Luke has "two daddies."

THE GODFATHER
If you think you knew everything about the Mafia, think again. It's revealed in this remake that every single person involved in organized crime is a flaming homosexual.

STARSKY AND HUTCH
Gay.

THE CONSTANT GARDENER
It turns out there's one more thing the gardener can't stop doing...dudes.

and Coming This Summer
SPIDERMAN AND BATMAN
The two superheroes team up to protect the city from a horrible crime spree orchestrated by the religious Right. Oh, and on the side, they do it.


POLITICAL SIDENOTE/VIEWPOINT: While I agree that you shouldn't be told who you can and can't fall in love with, I must say that the gay community is certainly making a push for some kind approval from everyone. Most people would agree with me that homosexuality has been met with relative acceptance over the last ten years. It is clear in the movies and TV shows that we watch. But they won't stop there. You see, the gay community isn't looking for acceptance anymore. Now they want your approval. They want you to say that we accept you being gay and we also approve, too. But maybe that's taking it too far. Maybe they're asking for too much too soon. Simply put - be gay, enjoy being gay. But don't ram it down my throat (poor choice of words). I accept you as a human being making your own choices, but I don't have to agree with it.

Today is January 15th and I've been laboring over what the subject of my first post of 2006 should be. I told myself that this year I'd focus more on subjects and ideas that matter to the average American. But considering that the most searched topics on the internet are lotto numbers and Paris Hilton I don't think I can really reach out to those average Americans.

So I considered sharing my new computer software innovation that I've been working on. It's a program that allows you to cheat at computer solitaire. But I figured computer speak would bore the masses.

How about a 2005 Year In Review? Boring. Besides, the year can be summed up rather briefly - Michael Jackson got off, the Democrats wanted to pull out and TomKat are expecting a baby.

So I am going to make a promise to my readers this year. Starting in February, this Blog is going to get really, really good. So give me about two weeks and I promise I'll blow your mind for the rest of the year.

Happy Holidays...Motherfu#@$%ers!!

Walk through the local shopping mall and tell me you don't want to just start frantically swinging a baseball bat around in the air until you hit someone. What is about this time of year that makes the entire world around us so nuts. Some things to consider while you do your last minute shopping this week...

1. Why is it that right after Thanksgiving the density of traffic triples? People drive slower, signal less often and find it much more difficult to fit in to a regulation size parking space. It's almost like everyone becomes mildly retarded for the month of December.

2. When did register receipts become nine feet long? I bought a box of chocolates for a friend of mine the other day and I used the receipt to wrap it.

3. Why are there last minute shoppers? Everyone knows the stores are going to be a mad house the last week before Christmas. You would think we'd have evolved enough as a species to figure that out. But instead we find Mr. and Mrs. Dipshit floating through Circuit City on Christmas Eve looking for "one a them Ice-Boxes." Only after the zip-faced sales associate says "I think you mean X-Box" does the happy couple respond "Well that makes more sense!"

4. Why do we, as adults, perpetuate the lie about Santa Claus? Boil this issue to the bone and it really comes down to - how long can we lie to our children? Why is it so important for a child to believe in Santa Claus when it really can only last for about seven years? I mean, our kids are smart enough to realize that Santa can't be in two malls at once and yet we lie to cover it up. It's time for some holiday letting go!

5. When did the giant inflatable Snowman become the decoration of choice for suburban households? Were the 25,000 blinking-and-then-not-blinking Christmas lights not obnoxious enough? We now must have a 40-foot reindeer with a red nose to express our holiday joy?

So, if you feel like me and you're just a little worn out by the holiday season then I invite you to come over to my house this Christmas. We'll be making anatomically correct snowmen with dry ice and roasting chestnuts.

Happy Holidays!

ONE DEAD UGLY DOG

How would you like to wake up in the morning and have this thing licking your face?

For those who don't know, this is Sam, the World's Ugliest Dog. He died recently at the age of fourteen.

Sam is a Chinese hairless, although he clearly looks like a burned Labrador.

Apparently, during his reign as the World's Ugliest Dog, he got to spend time in fancy hotels, schmooze with the stars and even had a product line with his likeness on items such at coffee cups and t-shirts.

Now he is dead. Whether this picture was taken before or after his death is unknown. But one thing is for certain - Hollywood has already put the wheels in motion with a movie about Sam. And who will play Sam?

That would be Chelsea Clinton.

(Scream Jerk Daily Apology: I realize that making Chelsea Clinton jokes is a little bit dated. However, I didn't have this blog when Chelsea was just an awkward looking First Daughter so I have some time to make up. And, oh yeah, did you guys see that Titanic movie? What a piece of garbage, I mean...)

Veg Heads Beware, It's Thanksgiving!

I still have that vision of the turkey flying across the kitchen floor right after my mom dropped it while removing it from the oven. Now, imagine if that was a tofurkey. Would it be nearly as memorable? For those of you who don't know what a tofurkey is it is tofu made into the likeness of a Thanksgiving turkey. You can find them at any wack job all natural, organic, vegetarian market.

Vegetarians have officially ruined Thanksgiving for me. Because right around November 1st I start hearing about the "Adopt-a-Turkey" organizations or the vegetarians chanting in front of the local supermarket about the senseless murder of all those birds. It makes me wonder - maybe eating meat is wrong. Maybe I should be a grass-chewing, animal-worshipping hippie veg head.

But then I think, no. Am I the only one who notices how sick veg heads look? Most veg heads seem to have this grayish-yellow tint to them. They never really look healthy. Is that what you get when you give up hamburgers and fried chicken?

However, the veg heads have inspired me to do better this year. I'm not going to eat turkey this Thanksgiving. After all, I want to do my part. Instead, I'm going to make a nice salad, maybe some yellow squash and, oh yeah, a big fat juicy...

HAM!

Michael Newdow Has New Mission

The world's most recognizable worshipper of Satan and all things evil has a new mission - removing the letters G, O and D from the alphabet.

In a statement distributed only to Scream Jerk, Newdow spells out his reasoning for eliminating these letters.

"The only way to remove God from our lives is to eliminate the letters that we use to spell the word God," Newdow said while deficating on a Bible. "If they can't spell it, they can't worship it."

Our scantily clad intern at Scream Jerk called Mr. Newdow but his answering machine picked up. "Hi, thanks for calling. I'm either away from my home right now or in my basement ritualistically burning neighborhood children and eating their charred flesh. Please leave a message."

Newdow is the doctor/lawyer who most recently tried to have the words "Under God" removed from the Pledge of Allegiance. That decision is still pending.

A VOICE TOLD ME TO WRITE THIS

I don't pretend to know all the facts surrounding the life of Lashuan Harris. For those of you who don't know Harris, she's the piece of Oakland trash that threw her three children into the San Francisco Bay because a voice told her to.

Well you know what? A voice told ME to string you up by your fucking eyelids and beat you with a tire iron. A voice told ME to hold your head down in a pile of human feces until your empty skull was full of shit.

All rage aside, there are several problems that I have with this story.

1. The Location. You can almost guarantee that in San Fran-Freako this piece of trash will not get the death penalty. You can molest an entire school full of children and not get the death penalty in San Francisco? "Bring us your rapists, your cop killers, your baby murderers!" Which means that long after her children's bodies have decayed she will be living comfortably on your tax dollars for the rest of her useless life.

2. The Excuse. She heard voices. She was supposed to be taking anti-psychotic medication. She was a young mother...oh, shut the hell up! Why is being a psychotic an excuse? That should just be another reason to take this chick out! She killed her kids, boom, dead. She's a fucking psycho, boom, dead. Don't make excuses for this woman. She doesn't deserve to not feel responsible. She's a psychotic, baby-killing, trash bag. End of story.

3. The Family. The father of the children was only allowed to see them every other Saturday. The rest of her trash family knew she was psychotic and yet allowed her to remain in charge of her three kids. Dare I say we include the whole family in the firing squad. If my daughter is a psychotic bitch I'm not letting her near children. I'm keeping her locked up until she gets her shit together or chokes on her own tongue, whichever comes first.

4. The Agency. The local Social Services Agency said that mental illness in and of itself is not a reason to remove children from the home. Why the fuck not? If you are mentally ill are you still capable of providing the best life for your children? Hell no. Another government agency failed to do its job. And no one will ever hold them accountable. Tough shit, on to the next child that we'll let die.

In a perfect world these kinds of things wouldn't ever happen. But when they do we need to be hawkish in our punishment.

No trial. No excuses. No second chances.