Walk through the local shopping mall and tell me you don't want to just start frantically swinging a baseball bat around in the air until you hit someone. What is about this time of year that makes the entire world around us so nuts. Some things to consider while you do your last minute shopping this week...
1. Why is it that right after Thanksgiving the density of traffic triples? People drive slower, signal less often and find it much more difficult to fit in to a regulation size parking space. It's almost like everyone becomes mildly retarded for the month of December.
2. When did register receipts become nine feet long? I bought a box of chocolates for a friend of mine the other day and I used the receipt to wrap it.
3. Why are there last minute shoppers? Everyone knows the stores are going to be a mad house the last week before Christmas. You would think we'd have evolved enough as a species to figure that out. But instead we find Mr. and Mrs. Dipshit floating through Circuit City on Christmas Eve looking for "one a them Ice-Boxes." Only after the zip-faced sales associate says "I think you mean X-Box" does the happy couple respond "Well that makes more sense!"
4. Why do we, as adults, perpetuate the lie about Santa Claus? Boil this issue to the bone and it really comes down to - how long can we lie to our children? Why is it so important for a child to believe in Santa Claus when it really can only last for about seven years? I mean, our kids are smart enough to realize that Santa can't be in two malls at once and yet we lie to cover it up. It's time for some holiday letting go!
5. When did the giant inflatable Snowman become the decoration of choice for suburban households? Were the 25,000 blinking-and-then-not-blinking Christmas lights not obnoxious enough? We now must have a 40-foot reindeer with a red nose to express our holiday joy?
So, if you feel like me and you're just a little worn out by the holiday season then I invite you to come over to my house this Christmas. We'll be making anatomically correct snowmen with dry ice and roasting chestnuts.
Happy Holidays!
12.19.2005
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