8.31.2005


Wake the kids, phone the neighbors, warn the sheep - it's time for...

"What The Hell Is That?"

Send your responses using the Comment icon below.

If you guess correctly you'll win a Scream Jerk t-shirt!

Please allow 4-6 weeks for me to come up with some kind of t-shirt.

8.26.2005

ARE THEY DEAD?


How much do you know about celebrity death? It's time to play "Are They Dead?"
(I'll give you a hint - they all might as well be)

Stop me if you've heard this one before. A woman in Rochester, New Hampshire filed a complaint with the Board of Medicine claiming she was "offended" when her doctor told her she needed to lose weight in order to improve her health. Dr. Terry Bennett says he tells obese patients their weight is unhealthy and encourages them to make efforts to drop some pounds to improve their health and love life. No disciplinary action has been taken thus far. The sanctions can range anywhere from a simple reprimand to revocation of his rights to practice medicine within the state.

Why are fat people offended when someone calls them fat? It's not slanderous. It's not a fabrication of the truth. It's simply stating the facts. If the shadow of your ass weighs 20 pounds you should be made aware of this, if you aren't already. Plus, this Doctor expressed his concern for this woman's health within the privacy of the doctors office. It's not like he climbed to the top of the medical building with a megaphone and shouted "Watch out for the tank-ass driving the lop-sided Honda Accord!" If you're fat, do something about it. Otherwise, don't cry in your Cool Ranch Doritos when someone suggests you shed a few chins to better your health.

8.24.2005

AVAILABLE IN BOOKSTORES NOW!


My new book is finally available at bookstores this month. Pick up a copy today!

"Driving For Assholes"

Exclusive Book Excerpt:

"Turn your blinker off you stupid fuck."

8.01.2005

Homeless People

I envy homeless people. As I celebrated my 29th birthday this past spring I realized that I have acquired a lot of "stuff." I wish all my "stuff" could fit conveniently in a supermarket shopping cart. Wouldn't that be nice? It would sure make moving a lot frickin' easier.

I'm also jealous of the fact that it is socially acceptable for a homeless person to wear the same thing everyday. Wouldn't that be a nice perk? I just bought these great Perry Ellis pants from Macy's and I'd love to wear them at least five days a week. But people would stare...and they'd talk. That is not fair.

In fact, if you really think about it, homeless people don't have it that bad at all. They pay no rent. They have no utility bills. No annoying cell phones. It's easy for them to diet. They get to travel. If you can just look past the no house thing you can see they really are livin' it up.

WARNING! INHUMANE COMMENT: When I see a homeless person with a cat or a dog, my first instinct is to feed the animal and find it a good home. I think the homeless try to use animals for sympathy but with me it backfires. I'd rather give the dog some dog food than give the drunk a means of buying whiskey.