Illegals & You

I said last year that illegal immigration was going to turn into the new hot-button issue in American politics. Well, grab your chihuahuas and run for your lives Mr. and Mrs. Tax Payer.

Illegals have begun their no-holds-barred hijacking of American culture and language. Take, for example, the outrageousness of the new Spanish version of the Star-Spangled Banner. If you haven't heard this pinata song yet, click here.

What other country would allow it's immigrant population to corrupt it's culture? The United States government has been so soft on illegal immigration that the very people who are crossing the borders are calling all the shots. They are munipulating the politicians by bating them with their votes.

No party in American politics wants to take a postion either way on illegal immigration. Are you for open borders or against? Do you support amnesty or not? Do we kick the illegals out and start from scratch? You've come to the right place for answers.

Here is the Scream Jerk Solution:

1. CLOSE THE BORDERS entirely until we have a more controlled and organized immigration policy.

2. If you're hear now you are an American citizen. However, in order to make your citizenship last you must LEARN THE LANGUAGE (English), LEARN THE BASIC HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES, and SUPPORT THE ECONOMY (pay taxes).

3. Once we've legalized everyone then the door can be open again to those who want the opportunity to become citizens - the right way.

4. We also need to establish a A MORE PRODUCTIVE RELATIONSHIP WITH THE LEADERS OF MEXICO and do what we can to help build a more stable Mexican government. Wouldn't it be great if the citizens of Mexico could be proud of their homeland and might want to stick around for awhile? And besides, a strong Mexico with a thriving economy and strengthed military could only benefit us as their neighbors to the north.

BREAKING NEWS

HILLARY CLINTON LACKS FEMALE PARTS

This is the scoop of all scoops. Scream Jerk has learned from uncomfortably close sources that Hillary Clinton was born without "female parts." According to the source, Hillary is "built like a Barbie doll, and I'm not talking about tall and busty." Apparently, Clinton has what some would call a void in the area of her "special pieces."

Immediately this raises questions about how Hillary was able to give birth to Chelsea. According to medical experts consulted by Scream Jerk, Hillary could have given birth via "mouth, ass or ear." The experts said that most likely, Chelsea was delivered through a method know as RER, or rear-end removal. This is a rather painful process for doctors to witness and most likely that doctor has now made permanent residence in some mental health facility.

As far as how Bill Clinton could have impreganated Hillary, the doctors say that when you lack female parts the other orifices of the body can act as a recepticle for the baby batter. And we all know that Bill Clinton pretty much likes to stick it anywhere.

In a recent poll conducted by EverythingNeedsToBePolled.com, of those asked whether Hillary would still be a good president without female parts, 100% of those polled threw up violently on the pollster.