ONE DEAD UGLY DOG

How would you like to wake up in the morning and have this thing licking your face?

For those who don't know, this is Sam, the World's Ugliest Dog. He died recently at the age of fourteen.

Sam is a Chinese hairless, although he clearly looks like a burned Labrador.

Apparently, during his reign as the World's Ugliest Dog, he got to spend time in fancy hotels, schmooze with the stars and even had a product line with his likeness on items such at coffee cups and t-shirts.

Now he is dead. Whether this picture was taken before or after his death is unknown. But one thing is for certain - Hollywood has already put the wheels in motion with a movie about Sam. And who will play Sam?

That would be Chelsea Clinton.

(Scream Jerk Daily Apology: I realize that making Chelsea Clinton jokes is a little bit dated. However, I didn't have this blog when Chelsea was just an awkward looking First Daughter so I have some time to make up. And, oh yeah, did you guys see that Titanic movie? What a piece of garbage, I mean...)

Veg Heads Beware, It's Thanksgiving!

I still have that vision of the turkey flying across the kitchen floor right after my mom dropped it while removing it from the oven. Now, imagine if that was a tofurkey. Would it be nearly as memorable? For those of you who don't know what a tofurkey is it is tofu made into the likeness of a Thanksgiving turkey. You can find them at any wack job all natural, organic, vegetarian market.

Vegetarians have officially ruined Thanksgiving for me. Because right around November 1st I start hearing about the "Adopt-a-Turkey" organizations or the vegetarians chanting in front of the local supermarket about the senseless murder of all those birds. It makes me wonder - maybe eating meat is wrong. Maybe I should be a grass-chewing, animal-worshipping hippie veg head.

But then I think, no. Am I the only one who notices how sick veg heads look? Most veg heads seem to have this grayish-yellow tint to them. They never really look healthy. Is that what you get when you give up hamburgers and fried chicken?

However, the veg heads have inspired me to do better this year. I'm not going to eat turkey this Thanksgiving. After all, I want to do my part. Instead, I'm going to make a nice salad, maybe some yellow squash and, oh yeah, a big fat juicy...

HAM!

Michael Newdow Has New Mission

The world's most recognizable worshipper of Satan and all things evil has a new mission - removing the letters G, O and D from the alphabet.

In a statement distributed only to Scream Jerk, Newdow spells out his reasoning for eliminating these letters.

"The only way to remove God from our lives is to eliminate the letters that we use to spell the word God," Newdow said while deficating on a Bible. "If they can't spell it, they can't worship it."

Our scantily clad intern at Scream Jerk called Mr. Newdow but his answering machine picked up. "Hi, thanks for calling. I'm either away from my home right now or in my basement ritualistically burning neighborhood children and eating their charred flesh. Please leave a message."

Newdow is the doctor/lawyer who most recently tried to have the words "Under God" removed from the Pledge of Allegiance. That decision is still pending.