GROUNDHOG: EXPOSED

Well, the GROUNDHOG came out yesterday...revealing to the world that he is gay.

Rumors have been floating around for several years that the little winter predictor was a little bit light. Finally, after years of inner thought the truth was finally set free.

"Yes, we have six more weeks of winter," he said through an interpreter. "But don't you people want to know what I do when I'm under ground the rest of the year? "

The gathered crowd collectively went silent with the next words that came from the furry critter's mouth. "I do my roommate. Earl. We have been living together longer than Elton John and that thing he shacks up with. We have been inspired by this year's best movie - Brokeback Mountain to reveal the truth about our relationship."

The groundhog then went on to say that he and Earl plan to move to San Francisco and start a dry-cleaning business (operated by humans, of course.)

He made no commitment to predicting the length of winter in the future saying the he and Earl want to start a family. "Maybe we could adopt a chipmunk or something. At this point the sky is the limit."

CHRIS PENN AND HIS DEAD FAT ASS

Actor Chris Penn was found dead in his apartment this past week and a recent autopsy proved "inconclusive." Penn, who was best known for his role as...um...when he played that guy...um...oh, fuck it. He was Sean Penn's brother.

During the course of the investigation into his death the police learned that Penn had what Richard Simmon's would classify as "poor eating habits." In one sitting he was known to polish off several milk shakes and plenty of beer while munching on as many as five steaks. The autopsy revealed nothing out of the ordinary except for an incredibly large ass.

No really, I know he was in some movie. Star Wars? Hoosiers? The Ten Commandments? Oh, whatever!

The Penn family is asking for privacy during these very difficult times. Donations can be made in Chris' name to the "Children Without A Sizzler Nearby" Foundation.