Despair.com

Hey Bloggers, I just discovered this great website for those looking to lower their expectations. It is www.despair.com and it is one of the funniest sites I've seen in a while.

You know those cheesy, motivational pictures some people have hanging in their offices with the one-word inspiration on them? Well, these are slightly different. The image to the right is a great example of some of the posters you can purchase at www.despair.com

Check it out!!

JetBlue Flight Lands Safely

Every once in a while an event takes place that just makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Kind of like that time in college when I...um...never mind.

Commercial airline pilots are often unseen and unheard. They fly these monstrous birds across the country and after landing safely stand outside the cockpit door and nod their head generically as we exit the aircraft. Just another day at the office.

It was just another day at the office, it seemed, for the pilot of a JetBlue aircraft that had a malfunction with its front nose gear yesterday. Shortly after departure it was discovered that the front landing gear had twisted (see photo) and was unable to correct itself. From there it was determined that an emergency landing was necessary and the closest airport that could handle such a delicate situation was LAX. Again, proving the point that I've made several times, Los Angeles is just better than you.

Now, if you've flown JetBlue you know that each seat is equipped with its own private DirecTV display allowing you watch Game Show reruns the entire flight. Except yesterday afternoon the passengers of this New York bound JetBlue flight got to watch the possible tragedy of the very flight they were on. The ultimate reality TV show. I can just see Mark Burnett, creator of Survivor, drooling at the prospects of such a show. Check your local listings in about three months.

So these 140 passengers are on this plane, watching and listening to the news coverage of what could very well be a disaster waiting to unfold (at least if you listen to the pancake-faced news anchors) and these are the kinds of things they hear:

"The pilot needs to be careful not to drop the nose down to early or else the consequences could be catastrophic."

"What would happen if the nose gear hits and turns violently off course? Does the pilot have any control at that point?"

And my personal favorite from some dim-bulb news anchor in Northern CA, "Is it possible for the co-pilot to go down to the hatch where the nose gear is and repair it in mid-air?" I guess anything is possible - you have a job don't you? You moron!

After about an hour of TV coverage (watching the plane do circles to burn fuel) the pilot finally comes in for the landing. And as if he practices this technique twice a week, he lands the giant flying machine without incident.

JetBlue has yet to disclose the pilot's name but he is a hero to at least 140 people including me. You can't really appreciate the jobs these pilots do until you see them execute a landing in these kinds of conditions.

SHAMELESS PLUG: I receive no money from JetBlue whatsoever. But they are clearly the best airline flying the skies today. From the crew at the terminal to the crew in the sky they are hands down the best. Check them out at www.jetblue.com.

ORDER NOW!

Scream Jerk wishes to do its part to help raise money for those impacted by Hurricane Katrina.

Price: $109.00

One size fits all (except fat people)

(Two percent of the profits from each t-shirt will go the victims of Hurricane George Bush, I mean Katrina. The rest will go to pay my ridiculous California mortgage payment.)

Attention all you beer chugging single guys still living with your parents. Don't let this opportunity pass you by. According to recent reports it appears as though Jennifer Aniston is finally ready to date again. With the ink finally dry on her divorce from Brad Pitt, Aniston says she is ready to start playing the field again. Look for her personal ad on Another-Fucked-Up-Celebrity-Relationship.com.

Speaking of such relationships, Kenny Chesney and Renee Zellweger have called it quits after about three minutes of marriage, leaving the whole world to wonder "Who the hell cares?"

It appears as though Kate Moss has been seen using cocaine and consequently lost a recent modeling gig. Is it any surprise that this rail does cocaine? She weighs nine pounds, always looks sick and can barely keep her eyes open. I say let her keep doing it. A line of coke probably contains more calories than her last fourteen meals.

That's our brief report from the Hollywood Hole. Remember, Hollywood will always be better than you, so don't you ever fuckin' forget it!!

HELP GLORIA BORGER

In this time of great sorrow we ask that you take a moment to remember those less fortunate. Scream Jerk is now accepting donations for the GLORIA BORGER EDUCATION FUND. This fund will help get this dim-witted media blab the education she so desperately needs.

You see, Gloria was born with only half a brain. Therefore she is only able to write trashy, Bush-bashing articles that have no basis in fact and ooze with liberal bias. For example, in her latest article published in US News & World Report she blames George Bush for Hurricane Katrina. She goes on to say that the reason we didn't respond as quickly to the relief effort is because of the Iraq war. In an article about Hurricane Katrina she mentions the Iraq war no less than twelve times. That's one mention for every brain cell this dim bulb has in her helmet head. So please - don't waste time. Operators are standing by.

HELP EDUCATE THE STUPID!

GIVE MONEY TO GLORIA TODAY!!

To read that piece of garbage she calls journalism click the following link:

http://www.usnews.com/usnews/opinion/articles/050912/12glo.htm

GEORGE BUSH KILLS GILLIGAN

A young intern recently hired by Scream Jerk to investigate the Bush administration's response time to the victims of Hurricane Katrina has stumbled upon information that may prove that George Bush is solely responsible for the death of Bob Denver, TV's Gilligan.

In a recent memo that turned up in the young intern's backpack, a high ranking official tells another high ranking official that Bush "despised" Denver and couldn't understand why the other "castaways" didn't just "kill" him every time he screwed up the many rescue attempts.

The memo further describes Bush's downright hatred for the Professor who he labels "booksmart."

These latest allegations could be the straw that broke the camels back as Democrats will likely call for Bush's impeachment.

"Gilligan is the backbone of the Democratic Party. He represented the future of our party and it is an outrage that something like this has happened to such a pillar of the community," said Patrick Leahy, before collapsing into the arms of a teary-eyed Hilary Rodham Clinton.

"If these allegations are proved to be true," said Clinton," then George Bush has set the progress of our great nation back days. He tricked us into Iraq and he tricked us into believing that Bob Denver was old and had cancer. Shame on you, Mr. Bush!"

The White House has denied any wrong-doing in the death of Bob Denver. A White House spokesman told Scream Jerk, "Gilligan was just the Skipper's 'little buddy.' If anyone deserved to be whacked it was that dip-shit Professor who couldn't fix the hole in the fucking boat."