Dear Boss, PlayStation Has Arrived

Dear Boss,

I'm sorry I won't be coming into work this week. You see, PlayStation 3 comes out at the end of the week and me and some friends of mine are going to camp out in front of Wal-Mart for the next five days in hopes of getting one or three.

I don't have much in my life. But I like to meet people. And the people you meet on the sidewalk entrance of Wal-Mart with a Hibachi and 24-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon are the kind of people I like to be around.

Please consider this my vacation for the year. I know, I won't be able to take time off around Christmas to spend with my family but that's okay. See, I found some pigeon on the internet to pay about 800% more for this PlayStation 3 than I will pay. You're right, he probably is retarded.

Anyway, can you please hold my job for me?

Sincerely,

Jay

WHY MOST OF AMERICA WILL BE WATCHING THE OJ SIMPSON INTERVIEW

At the end of November, O.J. Simpson will appear in a televised special on FOX entitled "If I Did It, Here's How It Happened." It is a little known fact that Scream Jerk landed this blockbuster sit-down several years ago but was unable to conduct the interview as scheduled because of a swollen feeling in my neck.

Why are we so upset that something like this is going to be televised? This is exactly the kind of programming the America people are asking for. If you think I'm wrong consider the following:

- America's pastime, baseball, continues to draw some of the worst television ratings for any sport. The only time baseball draws any audience, for example during the World Series, is when the New York Yankees are in it. Why? Because we like to HATE the Yankees. Hate mongers!!

- Does anyone remember the O.J. Simpson trial? Every minute of that legal circus was televised. The local newscasts would include sports, weather and the latest from the trial. We craved it. Why? Because we got to see a real life celebrity go down in flames. Flame mongers!!

- Honestly, if you had to choose between watching reruns of Full House or a supposed confession from O.J. Simpson, which would you choose? No offense, Dave Collier, but when you tanked it on Skating With The Stars, you ruined Full House for me! John Stamos mongers!!

The networks air this shit because we watch this shit. FOX is never going to air, say, a puppy being ripped apart by school children because the audience isn't quite there. But hearing O.J. almost admit to murder after already being acquitted? That is freakin' entertainment.

In fact, I have some suggestions of other TV specials that I believe Americans are craving:

1. Tonight on NBC, watch Katie Couric fall off the roof of her house while trying to successfully install a 40-foot inflatable Santa Claus.

2. Stayed tuned after Survivor for a CBS Exclusive - Nancy Pelosi Drowns: Why No One Cared To Save Her

3. Larry King gets a pedicure...while naked - 9:00 Eastern on CNN.

4. Donald Rumsfeld eats his own feces on C-SPAN Live.


Enjoy the show folks!

-

SAVE SOME FOR THE DOG, TENNIE!!

First, my comments on the 2006 elections are forthcoming. I need to digest the results and shit them out before providing valuable insight.

But this story is worth talking about. To get the full story click this link. To read the Scream Jerk version look down.

FIREFIGHTER SERVED DOG FOOD SETTLES SUIT
L.A. man claims meal given to him by colleagues was racial discrimination
The Associated Press
Updated: 7:41 a.m. PT Nov 9, 2006

LOS ANGELES - The city is paying $2.7 million to settle a lawsuit from a black firefighter who claims he suffered racial discrimination after co-workers served him spaghetti laced with dog food. Everyone knows black people would much rather have spaghetti with horse meat. Those insensitive smoke sucking co-firemen. The City Council approved the award Wednesday, 11-1. In his lawsuit, firefighter Tennie Pierce, aforementioned black firefighter, 51, said after he took a bite of the meal two years ago, he noticed other firefighters laughing. He demanded to know what was in the food after a second bite but nobody answered. Wait, he ate spaghetti laced with dog food and then took a second bite?? Pierce said he suffered retaliation for reporting the incident and verbal slurs (crotch-sniffer), insults (dog-food eater) and derogatory remarks, including taunting by firefighters “barking like dogs (and) asking him how dog food tasted,” the lawsuit said. David Wellman, a professor at the University of California, Santa Cruz hired by Pierce’s attorney, said the association of a black man and dog food “resonates with the deep historical roots of slavery and the corresponding dehumanization.” Again, I remind everyone that he took a second bite! “It’s not just silly stuff. It’s racially motivated,” he said. As part of the settlement, the two captains involved were given one month off without pay, and a firefighter was ordered off work for three days without pay. “I truly hope that my case will make a difference for African-Americans in the Los Angeles Fire Department,” Pierce said in a statement. Don't hold your breath Dr. King. And now for the REQUISITE SOCIAL COMMENTARY: Why did this become about race? Isn't this kind of frat-boy behavior almost expected in this kind of environment? Have we sterilized our surroundings so much that we are now justified in suing someone when we are the target of a prank? If so, Ashton Kutcher would servicing 20 to life right now. This is ANOTHER example of a lazy, opportunistic individual who saw the golden statue of the legal system winking at him and decided to roll the dice. Maybe you're embarassed because you ate Alpo. Maybe you're embarassed that you took a SECOND BITE. Having a harmless prank pulled on you doesn't justify $2.7 million dollars. This is not a racial issue. Think about what this means for the rest of society. Now, anytime a firefighter wants to kill some time, maybe lighten the mood of the department, he's going to remember this and think twice. You think that's a victory. I say bullshit. Give this guy $2.7 million worth of dogfood and make him eat it until he wants nothing else. Then he can go back to the fire house and not have to worry about what's in the spaghetti.