Shh…I’m Choking

If you plan on having lunch at the Warwick Elementary School in Rhode Island you better plan on not making a sound. After three separate choking incidents, the school has issued a no-talking policy during lunch.

The principal of the school, whose name is not important, said that during lunch time the staff couldn't hear students choking over all the noise. So now, as a consequence, the students have to eat lunch in complete silence, ala communism.

Our team of experts at the Scream Jerk Health Institute has come up with some ideas on how to protect our school children from the deadliest weapon of all…food.

Tip #1 – HAVE SOME ONE ELSE CHEW THEIR FOOD. Whether it's a parent or guardian at home, or a fellow classmate in school, having someone else chew the food is a great way to protect them from themselves. Chewing is really time-consuming anyway. So, take that Thermos off the shelf and pour in that pre-masticated food and sleep easy.

Tip #2 – TWO WORDS: LIQUID DIET. Based on the reports surfacing these days about childhood obesity, your kid is probably too fat anyway. And unless he can't drink either and might drown, this should be the best solution for choke-prone children.

TIP #3 – JUST DON'T EAT. There's no better time than the present to develop an eating disorder.

What exactly is it that the cafeteria staff "can't hear?" Isn't a choking victim pretty much rendered speechless? What are these kids eating that makes them keel over so often? Perhaps the parents of these children should conduct a refresher course on chewing your fucking food. The next thing you know our cafeterias are only going to serve pureed meats and vegetables. They already dropped peanut butter from the menu because 12 kids are allergic. But that subject is for another day. – SJ

MY DESERT CAMO SWEATER IS ON FIRE

As of today, January 25, 2007, over 3000 American troops have died in Iraq. While the motives for the war remain in question and the tactical plans that have been utilized have been inadequate at best, one thing remains absolutely certain: We can not ask our military to go to war on our nation's behalf and put themselves in harms way and not provide them with the tools necessary to accomplish the mission (whatever that is) and do it swiftly and safely.

So with every hour that passes and for every dead soldier that comes home in a box the pressure to equip our troops with the most advanced fighting tools because ever greater.

Recently, the United States military introduced there latest weapon - a ray gun. Now, before you put on your rubber Spock ears or do a bad Shatner impression, take the look at the picture to the left. No, you don't get 600 channels of DirecTV with that Hummer. But with this giant apparatus you could give someone the impression that they were hot - and not hot as in "Hey baby, you're smokin'". But hot like "Your fuckin' hair is on fire, honey."

This new ray gun, which I will refer to as Ray, shoots an electromagnetic beam at the target (i.e. an Iraqi) and gives them the feeling that they're going to catch fire. The weapon is supposedly "harmless" and creates the sensation of heat on the body reaching 130 degrees. So, for the last five years, the best the US military could come up with to protect our troops and win the war on terror is to make the enemy feel like they're in Arizona in August.

How about a weapon that actually sets the enemy on fire, instead of just making them feel that way? It makes me wonder what other weapons the military will be introducing on the battlefield. How about a bomb that emits a gas that fills the enemy with resentment towards their parents? Or a mission that explodes on impact and releases live recordings from the last Madonna tour?

Our boys need weapons that kill, damn it!