If you plan on having lunch at the Warwick Elementary School in Rhode Island you better plan on not making a sound. After three separate choking incidents, the school has issued a no-talking policy during lunch.
The principal of the school, whose name is not important, said that during lunch time the staff couldn't hear students choking over all the noise. So now, as a consequence, the students have to eat lunch in complete silence, ala communism.
Our team of experts at the Scream Jerk Health Institute has come up with some ideas on how to protect our school children from the deadliest weapon of all…food.
Tip #1 – HAVE SOME ONE ELSE CHEW THEIR FOOD. Whether it's a parent or guardian at home, or a fellow classmate in school, having someone else chew the food is a great way to protect them from themselves. Chewing is really time-consuming anyway. So, take that Thermos off the shelf and pour in that pre-masticated food and sleep easy.
Tip #2 – TWO WORDS: LIQUID DIET. Based on the reports surfacing these days about childhood obesity, your kid is probably too fat anyway. And unless he can't drink either and might drown, this should be the best solution for choke-prone children.
TIP #3 – JUST DON'T EAT. There's no better time than the present to develop an eating disorder.
What exactly is it that the cafeteria staff "can't hear?" Isn't a choking victim pretty much rendered speechless? What are these kids eating that makes them keel over so often? Perhaps the parents of these children should conduct a refresher course on chewing your fucking food. The next thing you know our cafeterias are only going to serve pureed meats and vegetables. They already dropped peanut butter from the menu because 12 kids are allergic. But that subject is for another day. – SJ
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