HOLLYWOOD REPORT

Skinny Bitch Wins Money!!

Actress Kate Hudson was awarded an undisclosed amount of money on Thursday in her libel suit against a British tabloid.

The National Enquirer of Britain printed an article in which it described the daughter of bubble-headed Goldie Hawn as "way too thin" and "skin and bones."

According to Slim's lawyer, the article caused her "deep distress and acute embarassment."

Hudson wasn't available for comment but her publicist said Kate was very pleased with the outcome and looks forward to returning to her normal life of eating half a Tic-Tac and throwing up.


I See Tree Trunks!

Actor Haley Joel Osment, best known for his performance in The Sixth Sense, was hospitalized after wrecking his car while returning home. He remains in stable condition.

Wait. Do you smell that? It's the curse of the child star.


"It's fun to stay at the L..A..P..D, it's fun to stay at the L..A..P..D..."

The original policeman for the Village People (whose name isn't important...and never really was) was arrested this week on drug charges. There is no word yet whether this run-in with the law will help or hurt his career.



Stuck Between A Rock and Two Soft Things

Congratulations to Pam Anderson and Kid Rock who have decided to tie the knot this summer.

For those interested in getting the happy couple a gift, they are registered at Dr. Arthur Schwartz' House of Plastic and Wal-Mart.

Illegals & You

I said last year that illegal immigration was going to turn into the new hot-button issue in American politics. Well, grab your chihuahuas and run for your lives Mr. and Mrs. Tax Payer.

Illegals have begun their no-holds-barred hijacking of American culture and language. Take, for example, the outrageousness of the new Spanish version of the Star-Spangled Banner. If you haven't heard this pinata song yet, click here.

What other country would allow it's immigrant population to corrupt it's culture? The United States government has been so soft on illegal immigration that the very people who are crossing the borders are calling all the shots. They are munipulating the politicians by bating them with their votes.

No party in American politics wants to take a postion either way on illegal immigration. Are you for open borders or against? Do you support amnesty or not? Do we kick the illegals out and start from scratch? You've come to the right place for answers.

Here is the Scream Jerk Solution:

1. CLOSE THE BORDERS entirely until we have a more controlled and organized immigration policy.

2. If you're hear now you are an American citizen. However, in order to make your citizenship last you must LEARN THE LANGUAGE (English), LEARN THE BASIC HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES, and SUPPORT THE ECONOMY (pay taxes).

3. Once we've legalized everyone then the door can be open again to those who want the opportunity to become citizens - the right way.

4. We also need to establish a A MORE PRODUCTIVE RELATIONSHIP WITH THE LEADERS OF MEXICO and do what we can to help build a more stable Mexican government. Wouldn't it be great if the citizens of Mexico could be proud of their homeland and might want to stick around for awhile? And besides, a strong Mexico with a thriving economy and strengthed military could only benefit us as their neighbors to the north.

BREAKING NEWS

HILLARY CLINTON LACKS FEMALE PARTS

This is the scoop of all scoops. Scream Jerk has learned from uncomfortably close sources that Hillary Clinton was born without "female parts." According to the source, Hillary is "built like a Barbie doll, and I'm not talking about tall and busty." Apparently, Clinton has what some would call a void in the area of her "special pieces."

Immediately this raises questions about how Hillary was able to give birth to Chelsea. According to medical experts consulted by Scream Jerk, Hillary could have given birth via "mouth, ass or ear." The experts said that most likely, Chelsea was delivered through a method know as RER, or rear-end removal. This is a rather painful process for doctors to witness and most likely that doctor has now made permanent residence in some mental health facility.

As far as how Bill Clinton could have impreganated Hillary, the doctors say that when you lack female parts the other orifices of the body can act as a recepticle for the baby batter. And we all know that Bill Clinton pretty much likes to stick it anywhere.

In a recent poll conducted by EverythingNeedsToBePolled.com, of those asked whether Hillary would still be a good president without female parts, 100% of those polled threw up violently on the pollster.

This day in 1876, Alexander Graham Bell successfully transmitted discernable speech through the telephone. Through his new invention, Bell summoned his assistant into another room by saying, "Mr. Watson, come here; I want you."


When Mr. Watson entered the other room he found Bell wearing assless chaps and slow dancing to a very early version of a Barry White song. Bell and Watson never spoke of the evening again. All of this and likely much more happened on this day, March 10, 1876.

GROUNDHOG: EXPOSED

Well, the GROUNDHOG came out yesterday...revealing to the world that he is gay.

Rumors have been floating around for several years that the little winter predictor was a little bit light. Finally, after years of inner thought the truth was finally set free.

"Yes, we have six more weeks of winter," he said through an interpreter. "But don't you people want to know what I do when I'm under ground the rest of the year? "

The gathered crowd collectively went silent with the next words that came from the furry critter's mouth. "I do my roommate. Earl. We have been living together longer than Elton John and that thing he shacks up with. We have been inspired by this year's best movie - Brokeback Mountain to reveal the truth about our relationship."

The groundhog then went on to say that he and Earl plan to move to San Francisco and start a dry-cleaning business (operated by humans, of course.)

He made no commitment to predicting the length of winter in the future saying the he and Earl want to start a family. "Maybe we could adopt a chipmunk or something. At this point the sky is the limit."

CHRIS PENN AND HIS DEAD FAT ASS

Actor Chris Penn was found dead in his apartment this past week and a recent autopsy proved "inconclusive." Penn, who was best known for his role as...um...when he played that guy...um...oh, fuck it. He was Sean Penn's brother.

During the course of the investigation into his death the police learned that Penn had what Richard Simmon's would classify as "poor eating habits." In one sitting he was known to polish off several milk shakes and plenty of beer while munching on as many as five steaks. The autopsy revealed nothing out of the ordinary except for an incredibly large ass.

No really, I know he was in some movie. Star Wars? Hoosiers? The Ten Commandments? Oh, whatever!

The Penn family is asking for privacy during these very difficult times. Donations can be made in Chris' name to the "Children Without A Sizzler Nearby" Foundation.

When Hollywood wants to make a statement, they really make a statement. Last night, the gay cowboy romance film "Brokeback Mountain" won four Golden Globes including best drama.

As a film critic it is my job to weed out the bad films and share with you the good films. However, I didn't really see this one so I'm going to wing it. Because I love to hear myself type.

Brokeback Mountain stars Heath Ledger and that guy from Jarhead. They are gay cowboys who travel the country committing sodomy on one another at several different locations, including a Motel 8 breakfast buffet spread.

The message in this film is quite clear - don't go camping with cowboys.

An now for the critique. The controversy surrounding this film has got to be better than anything about the film itself. Movie houses is Utah won't show it. Churches are up in arms. It begs the question, what would John Wayne think? Can you imagine John Wayne starring in such a film? "Take off your pants, partner, and grab your ankles."

Because of the critical acclaim the film has received other producers and directors are thinking about revisiting their best creations and adding a little twist. Here are some examples.


STAR WARS
In this new version of the George Lucas classic, Darth Vader not only reveals that he is Luke's father but he also breaks the news that Luke has "two daddies."

THE GODFATHER
If you think you knew everything about the Mafia, think again. It's revealed in this remake that every single person involved in organized crime is a flaming homosexual.

STARSKY AND HUTCH
Gay.

THE CONSTANT GARDENER
It turns out there's one more thing the gardener can't stop doing...dudes.

and Coming This Summer
SPIDERMAN AND BATMAN
The two superheroes team up to protect the city from a horrible crime spree orchestrated by the religious Right. Oh, and on the side, they do it.


POLITICAL SIDENOTE/VIEWPOINT: While I agree that you shouldn't be told who you can and can't fall in love with, I must say that the gay community is certainly making a push for some kind approval from everyone. Most people would agree with me that homosexuality has been met with relative acceptance over the last ten years. It is clear in the movies and TV shows that we watch. But they won't stop there. You see, the gay community isn't looking for acceptance anymore. Now they want your approval. They want you to say that we accept you being gay and we also approve, too. But maybe that's taking it too far. Maybe they're asking for too much too soon. Simply put - be gay, enjoy being gay. But don't ram it down my throat (poor choice of words). I accept you as a human being making your own choices, but I don't have to agree with it.

Today is January 15th and I've been laboring over what the subject of my first post of 2006 should be. I told myself that this year I'd focus more on subjects and ideas that matter to the average American. But considering that the most searched topics on the internet are lotto numbers and Paris Hilton I don't think I can really reach out to those average Americans.

So I considered sharing my new computer software innovation that I've been working on. It's a program that allows you to cheat at computer solitaire. But I figured computer speak would bore the masses.

How about a 2005 Year In Review? Boring. Besides, the year can be summed up rather briefly - Michael Jackson got off, the Democrats wanted to pull out and TomKat are expecting a baby.

So I am going to make a promise to my readers this year. Starting in February, this Blog is going to get really, really good. So give me about two weeks and I promise I'll blow your mind for the rest of the year.

Happy Holidays...Motherfu#@$%ers!!

Walk through the local shopping mall and tell me you don't want to just start frantically swinging a baseball bat around in the air until you hit someone. What is about this time of year that makes the entire world around us so nuts. Some things to consider while you do your last minute shopping this week...

1. Why is it that right after Thanksgiving the density of traffic triples? People drive slower, signal less often and find it much more difficult to fit in to a regulation size parking space. It's almost like everyone becomes mildly retarded for the month of December.

2. When did register receipts become nine feet long? I bought a box of chocolates for a friend of mine the other day and I used the receipt to wrap it.

3. Why are there last minute shoppers? Everyone knows the stores are going to be a mad house the last week before Christmas. You would think we'd have evolved enough as a species to figure that out. But instead we find Mr. and Mrs. Dipshit floating through Circuit City on Christmas Eve looking for "one a them Ice-Boxes." Only after the zip-faced sales associate says "I think you mean X-Box" does the happy couple respond "Well that makes more sense!"

4. Why do we, as adults, perpetuate the lie about Santa Claus? Boil this issue to the bone and it really comes down to - how long can we lie to our children? Why is it so important for a child to believe in Santa Claus when it really can only last for about seven years? I mean, our kids are smart enough to realize that Santa can't be in two malls at once and yet we lie to cover it up. It's time for some holiday letting go!

5. When did the giant inflatable Snowman become the decoration of choice for suburban households? Were the 25,000 blinking-and-then-not-blinking Christmas lights not obnoxious enough? We now must have a 40-foot reindeer with a red nose to express our holiday joy?

So, if you feel like me and you're just a little worn out by the holiday season then I invite you to come over to my house this Christmas. We'll be making anatomically correct snowmen with dry ice and roasting chestnuts.

Happy Holidays!

ONE DEAD UGLY DOG

How would you like to wake up in the morning and have this thing licking your face?

For those who don't know, this is Sam, the World's Ugliest Dog. He died recently at the age of fourteen.

Sam is a Chinese hairless, although he clearly looks like a burned Labrador.

Apparently, during his reign as the World's Ugliest Dog, he got to spend time in fancy hotels, schmooze with the stars and even had a product line with his likeness on items such at coffee cups and t-shirts.

Now he is dead. Whether this picture was taken before or after his death is unknown. But one thing is for certain - Hollywood has already put the wheels in motion with a movie about Sam. And who will play Sam?

That would be Chelsea Clinton.

(Scream Jerk Daily Apology: I realize that making Chelsea Clinton jokes is a little bit dated. However, I didn't have this blog when Chelsea was just an awkward looking First Daughter so I have some time to make up. And, oh yeah, did you guys see that Titanic movie? What a piece of garbage, I mean...)

Veg Heads Beware, It's Thanksgiving!

I still have that vision of the turkey flying across the kitchen floor right after my mom dropped it while removing it from the oven. Now, imagine if that was a tofurkey. Would it be nearly as memorable? For those of you who don't know what a tofurkey is it is tofu made into the likeness of a Thanksgiving turkey. You can find them at any wack job all natural, organic, vegetarian market.

Vegetarians have officially ruined Thanksgiving for me. Because right around November 1st I start hearing about the "Adopt-a-Turkey" organizations or the vegetarians chanting in front of the local supermarket about the senseless murder of all those birds. It makes me wonder - maybe eating meat is wrong. Maybe I should be a grass-chewing, animal-worshipping hippie veg head.

But then I think, no. Am I the only one who notices how sick veg heads look? Most veg heads seem to have this grayish-yellow tint to them. They never really look healthy. Is that what you get when you give up hamburgers and fried chicken?

However, the veg heads have inspired me to do better this year. I'm not going to eat turkey this Thanksgiving. After all, I want to do my part. Instead, I'm going to make a nice salad, maybe some yellow squash and, oh yeah, a big fat juicy...

HAM!

Michael Newdow Has New Mission

The world's most recognizable worshipper of Satan and all things evil has a new mission - removing the letters G, O and D from the alphabet.

In a statement distributed only to Scream Jerk, Newdow spells out his reasoning for eliminating these letters.

"The only way to remove God from our lives is to eliminate the letters that we use to spell the word God," Newdow said while deficating on a Bible. "If they can't spell it, they can't worship it."

Our scantily clad intern at Scream Jerk called Mr. Newdow but his answering machine picked up. "Hi, thanks for calling. I'm either away from my home right now or in my basement ritualistically burning neighborhood children and eating their charred flesh. Please leave a message."

Newdow is the doctor/lawyer who most recently tried to have the words "Under God" removed from the Pledge of Allegiance. That decision is still pending.

A VOICE TOLD ME TO WRITE THIS

I don't pretend to know all the facts surrounding the life of Lashuan Harris. For those of you who don't know Harris, she's the piece of Oakland trash that threw her three children into the San Francisco Bay because a voice told her to.

Well you know what? A voice told ME to string you up by your fucking eyelids and beat you with a tire iron. A voice told ME to hold your head down in a pile of human feces until your empty skull was full of shit.

All rage aside, there are several problems that I have with this story.

1. The Location. You can almost guarantee that in San Fran-Freako this piece of trash will not get the death penalty. You can molest an entire school full of children and not get the death penalty in San Francisco? "Bring us your rapists, your cop killers, your baby murderers!" Which means that long after her children's bodies have decayed she will be living comfortably on your tax dollars for the rest of her useless life.

2. The Excuse. She heard voices. She was supposed to be taking anti-psychotic medication. She was a young mother...oh, shut the hell up! Why is being a psychotic an excuse? That should just be another reason to take this chick out! She killed her kids, boom, dead. She's a fucking psycho, boom, dead. Don't make excuses for this woman. She doesn't deserve to not feel responsible. She's a psychotic, baby-killing, trash bag. End of story.

3. The Family. The father of the children was only allowed to see them every other Saturday. The rest of her trash family knew she was psychotic and yet allowed her to remain in charge of her three kids. Dare I say we include the whole family in the firing squad. If my daughter is a psychotic bitch I'm not letting her near children. I'm keeping her locked up until she gets her shit together or chokes on her own tongue, whichever comes first.

4. The Agency. The local Social Services Agency said that mental illness in and of itself is not a reason to remove children from the home. Why the fuck not? If you are mentally ill are you still capable of providing the best life for your children? Hell no. Another government agency failed to do its job. And no one will ever hold them accountable. Tough shit, on to the next child that we'll let die.

In a perfect world these kinds of things wouldn't ever happen. But when they do we need to be hawkish in our punishment.

No trial. No excuses. No second chances.

Presidential Politics

I know, I know. It's way too early to start talking about the 2008 Presidential Race but I want everyone to know that I am committed to remaining open-minded about each candidate until the very end.

No Hillary Clinton.

I am making this promise to you that I will not judge the candidates until I have heard what they stand for and how they will lead our country.

Hillary Clinton should never be President.

Because I don't believe politics should be dirty.

Hillary Clinton is a dirty, opportunistic carpetbagger.

I believe politics should be about making the right choice based on sound reasoning and extensive knowledge about each candidate.

Hillary Clinton will drive this country into the ground.

Democracy allows everyone to have a voice, no matter what your opinions may be.

Stop Hillary Clinton at all costs.

So, as the 2008 Presidential Race develops over the next couple of years I encourage you to join me in a bipartisan movement to let our candidates be heard and reserve judgement until the time is right.

Hillary Clinton should move to China.

Thank you and good luck in 2008.

Republicans.

Sincerely, Jay

Despair.com

Hey Bloggers, I just discovered this great website for those looking to lower their expectations. It is www.despair.com and it is one of the funniest sites I've seen in a while.

You know those cheesy, motivational pictures some people have hanging in their offices with the one-word inspiration on them? Well, these are slightly different. The image to the right is a great example of some of the posters you can purchase at www.despair.com

Check it out!!

JetBlue Flight Lands Safely

Every once in a while an event takes place that just makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Kind of like that time in college when I...um...never mind.

Commercial airline pilots are often unseen and unheard. They fly these monstrous birds across the country and after landing safely stand outside the cockpit door and nod their head generically as we exit the aircraft. Just another day at the office.

It was just another day at the office, it seemed, for the pilot of a JetBlue aircraft that had a malfunction with its front nose gear yesterday. Shortly after departure it was discovered that the front landing gear had twisted (see photo) and was unable to correct itself. From there it was determined that an emergency landing was necessary and the closest airport that could handle such a delicate situation was LAX. Again, proving the point that I've made several times, Los Angeles is just better than you.

Now, if you've flown JetBlue you know that each seat is equipped with its own private DirecTV display allowing you watch Game Show reruns the entire flight. Except yesterday afternoon the passengers of this New York bound JetBlue flight got to watch the possible tragedy of the very flight they were on. The ultimate reality TV show. I can just see Mark Burnett, creator of Survivor, drooling at the prospects of such a show. Check your local listings in about three months.

So these 140 passengers are on this plane, watching and listening to the news coverage of what could very well be a disaster waiting to unfold (at least if you listen to the pancake-faced news anchors) and these are the kinds of things they hear:

"The pilot needs to be careful not to drop the nose down to early or else the consequences could be catastrophic."

"What would happen if the nose gear hits and turns violently off course? Does the pilot have any control at that point?"

And my personal favorite from some dim-bulb news anchor in Northern CA, "Is it possible for the co-pilot to go down to the hatch where the nose gear is and repair it in mid-air?" I guess anything is possible - you have a job don't you? You moron!

After about an hour of TV coverage (watching the plane do circles to burn fuel) the pilot finally comes in for the landing. And as if he practices this technique twice a week, he lands the giant flying machine without incident.

JetBlue has yet to disclose the pilot's name but he is a hero to at least 140 people including me. You can't really appreciate the jobs these pilots do until you see them execute a landing in these kinds of conditions.

SHAMELESS PLUG: I receive no money from JetBlue whatsoever. But they are clearly the best airline flying the skies today. From the crew at the terminal to the crew in the sky they are hands down the best. Check them out at www.jetblue.com.

ORDER NOW!

Scream Jerk wishes to do its part to help raise money for those impacted by Hurricane Katrina.

Price: $109.00

One size fits all (except fat people)

(Two percent of the profits from each t-shirt will go the victims of Hurricane George Bush, I mean Katrina. The rest will go to pay my ridiculous California mortgage payment.)

Attention all you beer chugging single guys still living with your parents. Don't let this opportunity pass you by. According to recent reports it appears as though Jennifer Aniston is finally ready to date again. With the ink finally dry on her divorce from Brad Pitt, Aniston says she is ready to start playing the field again. Look for her personal ad on Another-Fucked-Up-Celebrity-Relationship.com.

Speaking of such relationships, Kenny Chesney and Renee Zellweger have called it quits after about three minutes of marriage, leaving the whole world to wonder "Who the hell cares?"

It appears as though Kate Moss has been seen using cocaine and consequently lost a recent modeling gig. Is it any surprise that this rail does cocaine? She weighs nine pounds, always looks sick and can barely keep her eyes open. I say let her keep doing it. A line of coke probably contains more calories than her last fourteen meals.

That's our brief report from the Hollywood Hole. Remember, Hollywood will always be better than you, so don't you ever fuckin' forget it!!

HELP GLORIA BORGER

In this time of great sorrow we ask that you take a moment to remember those less fortunate. Scream Jerk is now accepting donations for the GLORIA BORGER EDUCATION FUND. This fund will help get this dim-witted media blab the education she so desperately needs.

You see, Gloria was born with only half a brain. Therefore she is only able to write trashy, Bush-bashing articles that have no basis in fact and ooze with liberal bias. For example, in her latest article published in US News & World Report she blames George Bush for Hurricane Katrina. She goes on to say that the reason we didn't respond as quickly to the relief effort is because of the Iraq war. In an article about Hurricane Katrina she mentions the Iraq war no less than twelve times. That's one mention for every brain cell this dim bulb has in her helmet head. So please - don't waste time. Operators are standing by.

HELP EDUCATE THE STUPID!

GIVE MONEY TO GLORIA TODAY!!

To read that piece of garbage she calls journalism click the following link:

http://www.usnews.com/usnews/opinion/articles/050912/12glo.htm

GEORGE BUSH KILLS GILLIGAN

A young intern recently hired by Scream Jerk to investigate the Bush administration's response time to the victims of Hurricane Katrina has stumbled upon information that may prove that George Bush is solely responsible for the death of Bob Denver, TV's Gilligan.

In a recent memo that turned up in the young intern's backpack, a high ranking official tells another high ranking official that Bush "despised" Denver and couldn't understand why the other "castaways" didn't just "kill" him every time he screwed up the many rescue attempts.

The memo further describes Bush's downright hatred for the Professor who he labels "booksmart."

These latest allegations could be the straw that broke the camels back as Democrats will likely call for Bush's impeachment.

"Gilligan is the backbone of the Democratic Party. He represented the future of our party and it is an outrage that something like this has happened to such a pillar of the community," said Patrick Leahy, before collapsing into the arms of a teary-eyed Hilary Rodham Clinton.

"If these allegations are proved to be true," said Clinton," then George Bush has set the progress of our great nation back days. He tricked us into Iraq and he tricked us into believing that Bob Denver was old and had cancer. Shame on you, Mr. Bush!"

The White House has denied any wrong-doing in the death of Bob Denver. A White House spokesman told Scream Jerk, "Gilligan was just the Skipper's 'little buddy.' If anyone deserved to be whacked it was that dip-shit Professor who couldn't fix the hole in the fucking boat."