Hug This!

This would be funny if it weren't so scary. A 14 year-old girl received detention at her school in Oregon for what school officials called a "lingering hug." The rule for acceptable hugging at Sky View Middle School in Bend is "quick hello and goodbye hugs." School officials are standing by their decision to punish this girl despite strong opposition from her mother.

Where is the justification in even having this rule to begin with? Are these back woods nut jobs afraid that a prolonged hug will some how allow the genitals to line up and result in uncontrollable hallway sex? Do you realize that someone in this country came up with this rule? There is actually a human being walking among us, breathing our oxygen, that used his or her time and energy and resources to establish this "lingering hug" policy.

Here are my three solutions for this ridiculousness:

1. Have basketball referees roaming the halls with stop watches. Anytime a hug commences the ref will start the clock. If the hug seems to "linger," the "huggers" will be given a room key at the local Super 8 (transportation included).

2. Oh, fuck it. You don't need any solutions for this problem because it isn't a problem. As long as these kids are hugging each other and not shooting each other, leave them alone!! Give them a condom on their lunch tray if you're worried about "signs of affection."

(*The above comments are assuming these kids are relatively good looking. Ugly kids should be separated from the hug and shipped to different schools in different states.)