Sweet & Sour, Bitch!

Wendy’s manager shot over limit on chili sauce

There is nothing worse than getting down to your last two chicken nuggets and realizing you don't have enough sauce for both of them.

"Goodbye, America" is a new segment on Scream Jerk that will focus on the most dispicable behavior that the United States has to offer. It is no coincidence that most of this behavior comes from the Left. But this isn't about politics. This is about the decay of common sense and reason in our country. This is about protecting yourself from the absurd in a world on the brink of complete destruction. Everytime you see the "Goodbye, America" logo you'll know that you're about to read something that will most likely make you throw up all over yourself. So, consider this your warning.

WHY MUSLIM WOMEN SHOULDN'T WORK AT TARGET

On March 14, 2007 StarTribune.com reported that a Muslim woman working at a Target in Minneapolis refused to scan bacon while working the register. In fact, she asked the customer to scan it and put it in the bag for her. Now, I'm all for the self-service lane at the local supermarket but when someone is paid American dollars to ring you up and send you on your way, that's exactly what they should do. Why is a Muslim woman even working at Target anyway? Shouldn't she be at home secretly taking on-line business courses as a means to escape the her oppressive husband?

Which makes me think - if a Muslim woman won't scan pork, what's next? A Jew won't put meat and milk in the same plastic bag? A Christian won't scan thong underwear? Do we really want to open up this can of worms?

If I was the manager of this particular Target I would fire this woman on the spot. Not for religious reasons (although some snake lawyer would try to make a case) but because she wasn't doing her job. If you can't do the job, you can't work here. Period, end of story.

The only other alternative would be to take her into the breakroom, remove her hijab, hold her down to the ground and stuff bacon-wrapped pork chops down her throat until she had the National Anthem memorized. How's that for patriotism you scarf wearing bimbo?

This is only the beginning. You have been warned, Amercia. Goodbye.

Would You Vote For This "BUNDLE OF STICKS?"

If you've read previous entries at Scream Jerk you know that I don't like to judge. I am a fair, honest and rational human being who believes in free speech and human rights.

But why in the hell would anyone cast a vote for John freakin' Edwards? Is it that whole "two Americas" crap that he preaches? If so, it should be brought to your attention that while he's out and about campaigning about how America has become "the rich and everyone else," he is currently picking out bathroom tile and fine Italian silks for his 28,000 square foot home. Now, I'm not going to take anything away from his financial success. It takes a special kind of person to manipulate and piss on the legal system to make a fortune. Congrats Johnnie!

This past week, the reigning tramp of Conservative values, Ann Coulter, made a comment in which she referred to John Edwards as a "faggot." Edwards, along with many others, were apparently offended at this rather obnoxious reference to a "bundle of sticks" and decried the comment by Coulter as "wildly inappropriate."

Jim Rainbow, founder of the Faggot Institute in San Francisco, released the following comment to the press on Sunday:

Ms. Coulter's comments referring to Mr. Edwards as a "faggot" are baseless
and false. While Mr. Edwards may walk, talk and act like a "faggot" he is
clearly not a bundle of sticks. It is insulting to twigs and branches
every where that such a reference could equated to a self-righteous snake
like Mr. Edwards.

Scream Jerk made several attempts to contact both Ann Coulter and John Edwards but were unable to locate either phone number.

SJ

FUCK: The Dictionary

I'm all about learning. Give me a chance and I'll learn circles around your ass. So, when it comes to expanding my knowledge base I turn to the internet. Google is the greatest innovation since peanut butter and jelly in the same squeezable container. But one of my favorite things to do is learn new words. For that, I turn to Dictionary.com.

Now, as any mature male would do, I began by typing in dirty words. Because, someone somewhere has to define these words with q modicum of civility and dignity. So, for example, I entered the word "fuck." Here is what Dictionary.com came up with:

fuck [fuhk]

-verb (used with object)
1. to have sexual intercourse with.
2. Slang. to treat unfairly or harshly.

–verb (used without object)
3. to have sexual intercourse.
4. Slang. to meddle (usually fol. by around or with).

–interjection
5. Slang. (used to express anger, disgust, peremptory rejection, etc., often fol. by a pronoun, as you or it.)

–noun
6. an act of sexual intercourse.
7. a partner in sexual intercourse.
8. Slang. a person, esp. one who is annoying or contemptible.
9. the fuck, Slang. (used as an intensifier, esp. with WH-questions, to express annoyance, impatience, etc.)

—Verb phrases
10. fuck around, Slang.
a.to behave in a frivolous or meddlesome way.
b.to engage in promiscuous sex.
11. fuck off, Slang.
a. to shirk one's duty; malinger.
b. go away: used as an exclamation of impatience.
c. to waste time.
12. fuck up, Slang.
a. to bungle or botch; ruin.
b. to act stupidly or carelessly; cause trouble; mess up. —Idiom
13. give a fuck, Slang. to care; be concerned.


Isn't that fun? You can type in any word you want! Some of my favorites include whore (verb: to consort with whores), shitty (adjective: wretchedly bad, miserable) and the gem among gems, cunt (noun: the vulva or vagina).

*If, after reading this, you are offended, please by all means go fuck yourself.

SIDENOTE: I've never understood how people can be so offended by words. Comedian George Carlin has a great bit on words and how they are "just words." Take, for example, the gold standard of "bad" words - cunt. As defined above the cunt is the "vulva or vagina." Would a woman be as offended if someone called her a "vagina?" How about a "vulva?" (I've heard that vulva's are very safe automobiles and have an average life span of 18 years!). So remember, the next time someone drops a dirty word on you, just shake it off and move on...you filthy gutter-slut.

sCrEaM jErK

This Week's Dirtiest Headline...

TONY BLAIR PULLS OUT

Shh…I’m Choking

If you plan on having lunch at the Warwick Elementary School in Rhode Island you better plan on not making a sound. After three separate choking incidents, the school has issued a no-talking policy during lunch.

The principal of the school, whose name is not important, said that during lunch time the staff couldn't hear students choking over all the noise. So now, as a consequence, the students have to eat lunch in complete silence, ala communism.

Our team of experts at the Scream Jerk Health Institute has come up with some ideas on how to protect our school children from the deadliest weapon of all…food.

Tip #1 – HAVE SOME ONE ELSE CHEW THEIR FOOD. Whether it's a parent or guardian at home, or a fellow classmate in school, having someone else chew the food is a great way to protect them from themselves. Chewing is really time-consuming anyway. So, take that Thermos off the shelf and pour in that pre-masticated food and sleep easy.

Tip #2 – TWO WORDS: LIQUID DIET. Based on the reports surfacing these days about childhood obesity, your kid is probably too fat anyway. And unless he can't drink either and might drown, this should be the best solution for choke-prone children.

TIP #3 – JUST DON'T EAT. There's no better time than the present to develop an eating disorder.

What exactly is it that the cafeteria staff "can't hear?" Isn't a choking victim pretty much rendered speechless? What are these kids eating that makes them keel over so often? Perhaps the parents of these children should conduct a refresher course on chewing your fucking food. The next thing you know our cafeterias are only going to serve pureed meats and vegetables. They already dropped peanut butter from the menu because 12 kids are allergic. But that subject is for another day. – SJ

MY DESERT CAMO SWEATER IS ON FIRE

As of today, January 25, 2007, over 3000 American troops have died in Iraq. While the motives for the war remain in question and the tactical plans that have been utilized have been inadequate at best, one thing remains absolutely certain: We can not ask our military to go to war on our nation's behalf and put themselves in harms way and not provide them with the tools necessary to accomplish the mission (whatever that is) and do it swiftly and safely.

So with every hour that passes and for every dead soldier that comes home in a box the pressure to equip our troops with the most advanced fighting tools because ever greater.

Recently, the United States military introduced there latest weapon - a ray gun. Now, before you put on your rubber Spock ears or do a bad Shatner impression, take the look at the picture to the left. No, you don't get 600 channels of DirecTV with that Hummer. But with this giant apparatus you could give someone the impression that they were hot - and not hot as in "Hey baby, you're smokin'". But hot like "Your fuckin' hair is on fire, honey."

This new ray gun, which I will refer to as Ray, shoots an electromagnetic beam at the target (i.e. an Iraqi) and gives them the feeling that they're going to catch fire. The weapon is supposedly "harmless" and creates the sensation of heat on the body reaching 130 degrees. So, for the last five years, the best the US military could come up with to protect our troops and win the war on terror is to make the enemy feel like they're in Arizona in August.

How about a weapon that actually sets the enemy on fire, instead of just making them feel that way? It makes me wonder what other weapons the military will be introducing on the battlefield. How about a bomb that emits a gas that fills the enemy with resentment towards their parents? Or a mission that explodes on impact and releases live recordings from the last Madonna tour?

Our boys need weapons that kill, damn it!

THIS IS THE LONGEST TITLE OF ANY BLOG CURRENTLY POSTED ON THE WORLD WIDE WEB CONTAINING THE LEAST AMOUNT OF INFORMATIVE AND/OR HUMOROUS CONTENT

If you're a lesbian and good cook, does that mean you don't eat out?

Dear Boss, PlayStation Has Arrived

Dear Boss,

I'm sorry I won't be coming into work this week. You see, PlayStation 3 comes out at the end of the week and me and some friends of mine are going to camp out in front of Wal-Mart for the next five days in hopes of getting one or three.

I don't have much in my life. But I like to meet people. And the people you meet on the sidewalk entrance of Wal-Mart with a Hibachi and 24-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon are the kind of people I like to be around.

Please consider this my vacation for the year. I know, I won't be able to take time off around Christmas to spend with my family but that's okay. See, I found some pigeon on the internet to pay about 800% more for this PlayStation 3 than I will pay. You're right, he probably is retarded.

Anyway, can you please hold my job for me?

Sincerely,

Jay

WHY MOST OF AMERICA WILL BE WATCHING THE OJ SIMPSON INTERVIEW

At the end of November, O.J. Simpson will appear in a televised special on FOX entitled "If I Did It, Here's How It Happened." It is a little known fact that Scream Jerk landed this blockbuster sit-down several years ago but was unable to conduct the interview as scheduled because of a swollen feeling in my neck.

Why are we so upset that something like this is going to be televised? This is exactly the kind of programming the America people are asking for. If you think I'm wrong consider the following:

- America's pastime, baseball, continues to draw some of the worst television ratings for any sport. The only time baseball draws any audience, for example during the World Series, is when the New York Yankees are in it. Why? Because we like to HATE the Yankees. Hate mongers!!

- Does anyone remember the O.J. Simpson trial? Every minute of that legal circus was televised. The local newscasts would include sports, weather and the latest from the trial. We craved it. Why? Because we got to see a real life celebrity go down in flames. Flame mongers!!

- Honestly, if you had to choose between watching reruns of Full House or a supposed confession from O.J. Simpson, which would you choose? No offense, Dave Collier, but when you tanked it on Skating With The Stars, you ruined Full House for me! John Stamos mongers!!

The networks air this shit because we watch this shit. FOX is never going to air, say, a puppy being ripped apart by school children because the audience isn't quite there. But hearing O.J. almost admit to murder after already being acquitted? That is freakin' entertainment.

In fact, I have some suggestions of other TV specials that I believe Americans are craving:

1. Tonight on NBC, watch Katie Couric fall off the roof of her house while trying to successfully install a 40-foot inflatable Santa Claus.

2. Stayed tuned after Survivor for a CBS Exclusive - Nancy Pelosi Drowns: Why No One Cared To Save Her

3. Larry King gets a pedicure...while naked - 9:00 Eastern on CNN.

4. Donald Rumsfeld eats his own feces on C-SPAN Live.


Enjoy the show folks!

-

SAVE SOME FOR THE DOG, TENNIE!!

First, my comments on the 2006 elections are forthcoming. I need to digest the results and shit them out before providing valuable insight.

But this story is worth talking about. To get the full story click this link. To read the Scream Jerk version look down.

FIREFIGHTER SERVED DOG FOOD SETTLES SUIT
L.A. man claims meal given to him by colleagues was racial discrimination
The Associated Press
Updated: 7:41 a.m. PT Nov 9, 2006

LOS ANGELES - The city is paying $2.7 million to settle a lawsuit from a black firefighter who claims he suffered racial discrimination after co-workers served him spaghetti laced with dog food. Everyone knows black people would much rather have spaghetti with horse meat. Those insensitive smoke sucking co-firemen. The City Council approved the award Wednesday, 11-1. In his lawsuit, firefighter Tennie Pierce, aforementioned black firefighter, 51, said after he took a bite of the meal two years ago, he noticed other firefighters laughing. He demanded to know what was in the food after a second bite but nobody answered. Wait, he ate spaghetti laced with dog food and then took a second bite?? Pierce said he suffered retaliation for reporting the incident and verbal slurs (crotch-sniffer), insults (dog-food eater) and derogatory remarks, including taunting by firefighters “barking like dogs (and) asking him how dog food tasted,” the lawsuit said. David Wellman, a professor at the University of California, Santa Cruz hired by Pierce’s attorney, said the association of a black man and dog food “resonates with the deep historical roots of slavery and the corresponding dehumanization.” Again, I remind everyone that he took a second bite! “It’s not just silly stuff. It’s racially motivated,” he said. As part of the settlement, the two captains involved were given one month off without pay, and a firefighter was ordered off work for three days without pay. “I truly hope that my case will make a difference for African-Americans in the Los Angeles Fire Department,” Pierce said in a statement. Don't hold your breath Dr. King. And now for the REQUISITE SOCIAL COMMENTARY: Why did this become about race? Isn't this kind of frat-boy behavior almost expected in this kind of environment? Have we sterilized our surroundings so much that we are now justified in suing someone when we are the target of a prank? If so, Ashton Kutcher would servicing 20 to life right now. This is ANOTHER example of a lazy, opportunistic individual who saw the golden statue of the legal system winking at him and decided to roll the dice. Maybe you're embarassed because you ate Alpo. Maybe you're embarassed that you took a SECOND BITE. Having a harmless prank pulled on you doesn't justify $2.7 million dollars. This is not a racial issue. Think about what this means for the rest of society. Now, anytime a firefighter wants to kill some time, maybe lighten the mood of the department, he's going to remember this and think twice. You think that's a victory. I say bullshit. Give this guy $2.7 million worth of dogfood and make him eat it until he wants nothing else. Then he can go back to the fire house and not have to worry about what's in the spaghetti.

HOLLYWOOD REPORT

Skinny Bitch Wins Money!!

Actress Kate Hudson was awarded an undisclosed amount of money on Thursday in her libel suit against a British tabloid.

The National Enquirer of Britain printed an article in which it described the daughter of bubble-headed Goldie Hawn as "way too thin" and "skin and bones."

According to Slim's lawyer, the article caused her "deep distress and acute embarassment."

Hudson wasn't available for comment but her publicist said Kate was very pleased with the outcome and looks forward to returning to her normal life of eating half a Tic-Tac and throwing up.


I See Tree Trunks!

Actor Haley Joel Osment, best known for his performance in The Sixth Sense, was hospitalized after wrecking his car while returning home. He remains in stable condition.

Wait. Do you smell that? It's the curse of the child star.


"It's fun to stay at the L..A..P..D, it's fun to stay at the L..A..P..D..."

The original policeman for the Village People (whose name isn't important...and never really was) was arrested this week on drug charges. There is no word yet whether this run-in with the law will help or hurt his career.



Stuck Between A Rock and Two Soft Things

Congratulations to Pam Anderson and Kid Rock who have decided to tie the knot this summer.

For those interested in getting the happy couple a gift, they are registered at Dr. Arthur Schwartz' House of Plastic and Wal-Mart.

Illegals & You

I said last year that illegal immigration was going to turn into the new hot-button issue in American politics. Well, grab your chihuahuas and run for your lives Mr. and Mrs. Tax Payer.

Illegals have begun their no-holds-barred hijacking of American culture and language. Take, for example, the outrageousness of the new Spanish version of the Star-Spangled Banner. If you haven't heard this pinata song yet, click here.

What other country would allow it's immigrant population to corrupt it's culture? The United States government has been so soft on illegal immigration that the very people who are crossing the borders are calling all the shots. They are munipulating the politicians by bating them with their votes.

No party in American politics wants to take a postion either way on illegal immigration. Are you for open borders or against? Do you support amnesty or not? Do we kick the illegals out and start from scratch? You've come to the right place for answers.

Here is the Scream Jerk Solution:

1. CLOSE THE BORDERS entirely until we have a more controlled and organized immigration policy.

2. If you're hear now you are an American citizen. However, in order to make your citizenship last you must LEARN THE LANGUAGE (English), LEARN THE BASIC HISTORY OF THE UNITED STATES, and SUPPORT THE ECONOMY (pay taxes).

3. Once we've legalized everyone then the door can be open again to those who want the opportunity to become citizens - the right way.

4. We also need to establish a A MORE PRODUCTIVE RELATIONSHIP WITH THE LEADERS OF MEXICO and do what we can to help build a more stable Mexican government. Wouldn't it be great if the citizens of Mexico could be proud of their homeland and might want to stick around for awhile? And besides, a strong Mexico with a thriving economy and strengthed military could only benefit us as their neighbors to the north.

BREAKING NEWS

HILLARY CLINTON LACKS FEMALE PARTS

This is the scoop of all scoops. Scream Jerk has learned from uncomfortably close sources that Hillary Clinton was born without "female parts." According to the source, Hillary is "built like a Barbie doll, and I'm not talking about tall and busty." Apparently, Clinton has what some would call a void in the area of her "special pieces."

Immediately this raises questions about how Hillary was able to give birth to Chelsea. According to medical experts consulted by Scream Jerk, Hillary could have given birth via "mouth, ass or ear." The experts said that most likely, Chelsea was delivered through a method know as RER, or rear-end removal. This is a rather painful process for doctors to witness and most likely that doctor has now made permanent residence in some mental health facility.

As far as how Bill Clinton could have impreganated Hillary, the doctors say that when you lack female parts the other orifices of the body can act as a recepticle for the baby batter. And we all know that Bill Clinton pretty much likes to stick it anywhere.

In a recent poll conducted by EverythingNeedsToBePolled.com, of those asked whether Hillary would still be a good president without female parts, 100% of those polled threw up violently on the pollster.

This day in 1876, Alexander Graham Bell successfully transmitted discernable speech through the telephone. Through his new invention, Bell summoned his assistant into another room by saying, "Mr. Watson, come here; I want you."


When Mr. Watson entered the other room he found Bell wearing assless chaps and slow dancing to a very early version of a Barry White song. Bell and Watson never spoke of the evening again. All of this and likely much more happened on this day, March 10, 1876.

GROUNDHOG: EXPOSED

Well, the GROUNDHOG came out yesterday...revealing to the world that he is gay.

Rumors have been floating around for several years that the little winter predictor was a little bit light. Finally, after years of inner thought the truth was finally set free.

"Yes, we have six more weeks of winter," he said through an interpreter. "But don't you people want to know what I do when I'm under ground the rest of the year? "

The gathered crowd collectively went silent with the next words that came from the furry critter's mouth. "I do my roommate. Earl. We have been living together longer than Elton John and that thing he shacks up with. We have been inspired by this year's best movie - Brokeback Mountain to reveal the truth about our relationship."

The groundhog then went on to say that he and Earl plan to move to San Francisco and start a dry-cleaning business (operated by humans, of course.)

He made no commitment to predicting the length of winter in the future saying the he and Earl want to start a family. "Maybe we could adopt a chipmunk or something. At this point the sky is the limit."

CHRIS PENN AND HIS DEAD FAT ASS

Actor Chris Penn was found dead in his apartment this past week and a recent autopsy proved "inconclusive." Penn, who was best known for his role as...um...when he played that guy...um...oh, fuck it. He was Sean Penn's brother.

During the course of the investigation into his death the police learned that Penn had what Richard Simmon's would classify as "poor eating habits." In one sitting he was known to polish off several milk shakes and plenty of beer while munching on as many as five steaks. The autopsy revealed nothing out of the ordinary except for an incredibly large ass.

No really, I know he was in some movie. Star Wars? Hoosiers? The Ten Commandments? Oh, whatever!

The Penn family is asking for privacy during these very difficult times. Donations can be made in Chris' name to the "Children Without A Sizzler Nearby" Foundation.

When Hollywood wants to make a statement, they really make a statement. Last night, the gay cowboy romance film "Brokeback Mountain" won four Golden Globes including best drama.

As a film critic it is my job to weed out the bad films and share with you the good films. However, I didn't really see this one so I'm going to wing it. Because I love to hear myself type.

Brokeback Mountain stars Heath Ledger and that guy from Jarhead. They are gay cowboys who travel the country committing sodomy on one another at several different locations, including a Motel 8 breakfast buffet spread.

The message in this film is quite clear - don't go camping with cowboys.

An now for the critique. The controversy surrounding this film has got to be better than anything about the film itself. Movie houses is Utah won't show it. Churches are up in arms. It begs the question, what would John Wayne think? Can you imagine John Wayne starring in such a film? "Take off your pants, partner, and grab your ankles."

Because of the critical acclaim the film has received other producers and directors are thinking about revisiting their best creations and adding a little twist. Here are some examples.


STAR WARS
In this new version of the George Lucas classic, Darth Vader not only reveals that he is Luke's father but he also breaks the news that Luke has "two daddies."

THE GODFATHER
If you think you knew everything about the Mafia, think again. It's revealed in this remake that every single person involved in organized crime is a flaming homosexual.

STARSKY AND HUTCH
Gay.

THE CONSTANT GARDENER
It turns out there's one more thing the gardener can't stop doing...dudes.

and Coming This Summer
SPIDERMAN AND BATMAN
The two superheroes team up to protect the city from a horrible crime spree orchestrated by the religious Right. Oh, and on the side, they do it.


POLITICAL SIDENOTE/VIEWPOINT: While I agree that you shouldn't be told who you can and can't fall in love with, I must say that the gay community is certainly making a push for some kind approval from everyone. Most people would agree with me that homosexuality has been met with relative acceptance over the last ten years. It is clear in the movies and TV shows that we watch. But they won't stop there. You see, the gay community isn't looking for acceptance anymore. Now they want your approval. They want you to say that we accept you being gay and we also approve, too. But maybe that's taking it too far. Maybe they're asking for too much too soon. Simply put - be gay, enjoy being gay. But don't ram it down my throat (poor choice of words). I accept you as a human being making your own choices, but I don't have to agree with it.

Today is January 15th and I've been laboring over what the subject of my first post of 2006 should be. I told myself that this year I'd focus more on subjects and ideas that matter to the average American. But considering that the most searched topics on the internet are lotto numbers and Paris Hilton I don't think I can really reach out to those average Americans.

So I considered sharing my new computer software innovation that I've been working on. It's a program that allows you to cheat at computer solitaire. But I figured computer speak would bore the masses.

How about a 2005 Year In Review? Boring. Besides, the year can be summed up rather briefly - Michael Jackson got off, the Democrats wanted to pull out and TomKat are expecting a baby.

So I am going to make a promise to my readers this year. Starting in February, this Blog is going to get really, really good. So give me about two weeks and I promise I'll blow your mind for the rest of the year.

Happy Holidays...Motherfu#@$%ers!!

Walk through the local shopping mall and tell me you don't want to just start frantically swinging a baseball bat around in the air until you hit someone. What is about this time of year that makes the entire world around us so nuts. Some things to consider while you do your last minute shopping this week...

1. Why is it that right after Thanksgiving the density of traffic triples? People drive slower, signal less often and find it much more difficult to fit in to a regulation size parking space. It's almost like everyone becomes mildly retarded for the month of December.

2. When did register receipts become nine feet long? I bought a box of chocolates for a friend of mine the other day and I used the receipt to wrap it.

3. Why are there last minute shoppers? Everyone knows the stores are going to be a mad house the last week before Christmas. You would think we'd have evolved enough as a species to figure that out. But instead we find Mr. and Mrs. Dipshit floating through Circuit City on Christmas Eve looking for "one a them Ice-Boxes." Only after the zip-faced sales associate says "I think you mean X-Box" does the happy couple respond "Well that makes more sense!"

4. Why do we, as adults, perpetuate the lie about Santa Claus? Boil this issue to the bone and it really comes down to - how long can we lie to our children? Why is it so important for a child to believe in Santa Claus when it really can only last for about seven years? I mean, our kids are smart enough to realize that Santa can't be in two malls at once and yet we lie to cover it up. It's time for some holiday letting go!

5. When did the giant inflatable Snowman become the decoration of choice for suburban households? Were the 25,000 blinking-and-then-not-blinking Christmas lights not obnoxious enough? We now must have a 40-foot reindeer with a red nose to express our holiday joy?

So, if you feel like me and you're just a little worn out by the holiday season then I invite you to come over to my house this Christmas. We'll be making anatomically correct snowmen with dry ice and roasting chestnuts.

Happy Holidays!