Wake the kids, phone the neighbors, warn the sheep - it's time for...

"What The Hell Is That?"

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If you guess correctly you'll win a Scream Jerk t-shirt!

Please allow 4-6 weeks for me to come up with some kind of t-shirt.

ARE THEY DEAD?

How much do you know about celebrity death? It's time to play "Are They Dead?"

(I'll give you a hint - they all might as well be)

Stop me if you've heard this one before. A woman in Rochester, New Hampshire filed a complaint with the Board of Medicine claiming she was "offended" when her doctor told her she needed to lose weight in order to improve her health. Dr. Terry Bennett says he tells obese patients their weight is unhealthy and encourages them to make efforts to drop some pounds to improve their health and love life. No disciplinary action has been taken thus far. The sanctions can range anywhere from a simple reprimand to revocation of his rights to practice medicine within the state.

Why are fat people offended when someone calls them fat? It's not slanderous. It's not a fabrication of the truth. It's simply stating the facts. If the shadow of your ass weighs 20 pounds you should be made aware of this, if you aren't already. Plus, this Doctor expressed his concern for this woman's health within the privacy of the doctors office. It's not like he climbed to the top of the medical building with a megaphone and shouted "Watch out for the tank-ass driving the lop-sided Honda Accord!" If you're fat, do something about it. Otherwise, don't cry in your Cool Ranch Doritos when someone suggests you shed a few chins to better your health.

AVAILABLE IN BOOKSTORES NOW!

My new book is finally available at bookstores this month. Pick up a copy today!

"Driving For Assholes"

Exclusive Book Excerpt:

"Turn your blinker off you stupid fuck."

Homeless People

I envy homeless people. As I celebrated my 29th birthday this past spring I realized that I have acquired a lot of "stuff." I wish all my "stuff" could fit conveniently in a supermarket shopping cart. Wouldn't that be nice? It would sure make moving a lot frickin' easier.

I'm also jealous of the fact that it is socially acceptable for a homeless person to wear the same thing everyday. Wouldn't that be a nice perk? I just bought these great Perry Ellis pants from Macy's and I'd love to wear them at least five days a week. But people would stare...and they'd talk. That is not fair.

In fact, if you really think about it, homeless people don't have it that bad at all. They pay no rent. They have no utility bills. No annoying cell phones. It's easy for them to diet. They get to travel. If you can just look past the no house thing you can see they really are livin' it up.

WARNING! INHUMANE COMMENT: When I see a homeless person with a cat or a dog, my first instinct is to feed the animal and find it a good home. I think the homeless try to use animals for sympathy but with me it backfires. I'd rather give the dog some dog food than give the drunk a means of buying whiskey.

Hug This!

This would be funny if it weren't so scary. A 14 year-old girl received detention at her school in Oregon for what school officials called a "lingering hug." The rule for acceptable hugging at Sky View Middle School in Bend is "quick hello and goodbye hugs." School officials are standing by their decision to punish this girl despite strong opposition from her mother.

Where is the justification in even having this rule to begin with? Are these back woods nut jobs afraid that a prolonged hug will some how allow the genitals to line up and result in uncontrollable hallway sex? Do you realize that someone in this country came up with this rule? There is actually a human being walking among us, breathing our oxygen, that used his or her time and energy and resources to establish this "lingering hug" policy.

Here are my three solutions for this ridiculousness:

1. Have basketball referees roaming the halls with stop watches. Anytime a hug commences the ref will start the clock. If the hug seems to "linger," the "huggers" will be given a room key at the local Super 8 (transportation included).

2. Oh, fuck it. You don't need any solutions for this problem because it isn't a problem. As long as these kids are hugging each other and not shooting each other, leave them alone!! Give them a condom on their lunch tray if you're worried about "signs of affection."

(*The above comments are assuming these kids are relatively good looking. Ugly kids should be separated from the hug and shipped to different schools in different states.)

NANCY PELOSI IS A BIG DUMB ANIMAL

Nancy Pelosi isn't fit to operate a toll booth in California let alone represent the State of California. Her current campaign of obstructionist governing is weakening this country more and more every day. Rather than provide a more sound alternative to the policy decisions of President Bush and his adminstration, she instead chooses to sit back and just keep saying NO.

This should come as no surprise to anyone since it has been the Democratic Party's main goal to halt any progress within this country as long as a Republican is in the White House. I want Nancy Pelosi to sit down and explain how she would protect Social Security, protect our nation and improve the quality of living for every American. But she can't.

Nancy Pelosi should be waiting tables at an Outback Steakhouse dressed like a safari guide instead of trying to shape policy in this country.

This witch with shoulder pads is killing the democratic process by refusing to work with her fellow politicians to actually achieve something. She is government gone wrong.

Now, I'm not suggesting that Pelosi is the only politician who believes in obstructing government. I would put Barbara Boxer, Harry Reid and even John Kerry in that category as well.

We need to seriously evaluate every politician (both Democrat and Republican) and ask the simple question, "What have you done for the average American today?" Not, "What have you done for illegal immigrants?" or "What have you done for the dirty bums sucking the breast of Mother Welfare?" It is time to hold our elected officials accountable for there choices and take back our representation.

We need your help! 

JOAN RIVERS IS A FILTHY WHORE

Consider this an act of kindness. My fellow blogger, Lorrie Morgan-Ferrero recently posted some valuable information about the importance of headlines. I will now attempt to contribute my thoughts on the very same subject.

1. First and foremost, Joan Rivers may not be a filthy whore, but it sure got your attention. So, for the purposes of this article we will consider Joan Rivers a filthy whore.

2. I have chosen to use all capital letters in my headline to emphasize the whore-ness of Joan Rivers. This will draw the reader into the story.

3. By using the word "filthy" I am implying that there may be details within the story that describe the degree of whore-ness portrayed by Joan Rivers. Again, roping the reader in.

4. Shit. Lorrie is now suggesting that I use smaller type to prevent readers from just scanning the material. She could have mentioned this earlier.

5. Graphic images are suggested to help bring attention to the story. For the sake of humanity I will not use nude or partially nude pictures of Joan Rivers. But if you must have a visual - picture a wet poodle trying to hump a lawn chair.

6. Lorrie goes on to mention the importance of subheads. I really have nothing to say about that other than the word "subhead" is pretty amusing.

In the interest of capitalism I will help Lorrie promote her new software "Instant Headline Creator" which is available at www.red-hot-copy.com/instantheadlines.htm If you are copywriter buy this software and make yourself better at what you do.

And finally, while Joan Rivers is extremely small, very annoying and hasn't said anything funny since 1988, she certainly can't be considered a filthy whore just because I said so. Now, her daughter on the other hand...

Arnie The One-Man Party

I live in a state who's governor once played a "pregnant man" in a movie. Need I say more? Granted, my governor could kick your governor's ass any day of the week, but lets not get side tracked.

In a rare moment of political common sense, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger declared that we must "close our borders" to Mexico. "Because I think it is just unfair to have all those people coming across, have the borders open the way it is, and have this kind of lax situation," said the Governator.

Thank you, Arnold. Thank you for taking a stand on an issue that no one else seems to want to stand on. Thank you for thinking about about borders, our culture and our security. Thank you for not making a sequel to "Kindergarten Cop."

To make it clear, Arnold's handlers made the following comments after the initial backlash from people (read left-wing liberal lunatics) claiming Arnold was going to toss out all the gardeners and grape-pickers from California:

"The governor has talked before about the need to ensure that immigrants are put on a path toward fully participating in California's economy," spokeswoman Margita Thompson said. "But he feels they need to enter the country the right way, and must not undermine important security issues. He feels that the border needs to be secure."

Subject Hop: I once gave a golf lesson to former Governor Gray Davis' wife, Sharon. Did you know that the wife of a governor is referred to as the First Lady? That seems a little over the top, doesn't it? Anyway, she had a pretty good golf swing but her stance was way too wide. So without hesitation I informed the First Lady of California not to spread her legs so much. It was right around this time that my political fire began to heat up. Coincidence?

You heard it here first - illegal immigration with be the deciding factor in the 2008 Presidential Race. You know how I can tell? Because that rat-faced Hillary Clinton has already latched onto it tighter than her husband's grip on a cheap cigar.